Home Is Where The Heart Is
by yulieyuna666
Summary: Matthew and his siblings have been orphans for most of their lives. One day, two German brothers move in and Matthew finds himself falling in love. theres two problems though: 1. he has a fear of being noticed/seen and 2. being gay is not an option in the orphanage he calls home. How strong is love?
1. New kids

**I don't own Hetalia or anything that has to do with Hetalia :)**

_Sibblings fight, that's a given. We yell, pull hair, get grumpy, the like. Hey! We live withone another for Gods sake!_

_I grew up in a house where the word "sibling" isn't used lightly, most of the time they're seperated. I grew up in an orphan home. I was born along with 3 other brothers, all older than me, and my mother died not long after. I never really knew her very well._

_Oh well._

"Hey Mattie whats up? You seem distracted." I blinked dumbly and shook the cobwebs from my mind.

"Sorry Iggy, what were you sayin?" I asked. Iggy's real name is Arthur, don't ask why we came up with his nickname. He was the middle child before I was born, but he's a lot nicer to talk to than my other brothers, he actually listens sometimes. That, and he yells at the other kids when they ask "who's Matt?" and pretend I don't exist.

"I was saying maybe the four of us can sneak out tonight and hang out in the park. Nina says she'll help us steal the keys to the gates if we make Franny bake her another muffin." I laughed and turned back to my sketchbook with a simple nod. The picture on the pad kind of scared me, a picture of a little boy without a face clawing at a brick wall. When did I draw this?

I sighed and crumbled the paper, maybe one of the other kids did it. A lot of the others here definatly need some serious mental help, thats for sure.

"Did you ask Al yet?" I asked, starting a rough sketch of a head. Maybe I'll draw Francis this time, I haven't done that yet.

"Nah, but you know he'll come. He never gives up an oppertunity to get out of this place."

I nodded, Al is one of those kids that needs help. He acts relly strong around everyone else, but we know better because we all share a room. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night crying. I feel really bad for him, he was really close to mama before she died.

"Come on my little me~ Its almost time for lunch!" Francis singed from the doorway and I pinched the bridge of my nose. Because of mama's death, Francis practically raised me. He fed me as an infant, cut my hair like his own, and even pulled me through all his french classes with him, calling me his "little me."

I guess you could say thats how Iggy is with Al, only not so...persistant. Iggy gives him space, Francis gives me little to none.

Life here is based on a schedual thats posted on your bedroom door the day you move in. Everyone wakes up at a certain time, bathes at a certain time, eats at a certain time, ect. The main leader here is a man by the name of Vash and his younger sister named Lilly. Lilly is sweet and takes her time to make sure everyone is doing well, Vash on the other hand could care less.

To be honast, I kind of like Vash better.

Today, lunch consist of a thick stew, stale tasting bread and glasses of watery milk. The food isn't the best, but beggers can't be choosers right?

After lunch, dishes are rotated between rooms. Today is room 21, the Russians. Tomorrow is our room. Oh how I hope that I can do it by myself! It would be so much easier, not to mention more relaxing. I don't mind cleaning, I love it. Cleaning with my siblings on the other hand is a nightmare.

Because we don't have kitchen duty, we get almost an hour to ourselves before afternoon chores. Today, Francis cuts my hair on the back patio.

I'll be completely honast with myself, I love it when he cuts my hair. All I have to do is sit and enjoy the comb running through and I count the _snip snip_s of the scissors. I always complain about it, mostly because I don't want Iggy or Al to know, but Francis does and thats all that matters.

Him and I have always been close, closer than the others think. He taught me how to read and write, play the violin, and how to keep myself out of trouble. I confide in him alone, and he does the same for me.

It's kind of sad that we have such a big age diffrence.

"All done!" He announced, carefully pulling the towel from around my nec and flinging the clippings away from my shirt. I practically skipped to the mirror and was shocked at my reflection. He had cut it shorter than usual, one hair poking out in a curl at the top of my head. My bangs were still rather long and angled away from my face. I looked all around to make sure no one was around and snuck him a bear hug.

"Oh! Thats right!" I exclaimed and half ran over to my little desk, pulling out my sketchbook. I flipped to the page I was working on earlier and he snatched it from my hand.

"Aw that's good Mattie, you've gotten a lot better since spring. I'm proud." He held it out just high enough so I couldn't reach and laughed as I tried to hop on my toes to get it. Al and Iggy came into the room and they all passed it back and forth away from me untill we were all a laughing mess.

"Hey! Keep it down will ya!" Natalia yelled, banging our door open with the force of a mad bull, "I'm _trying_ to read!"

"Sorry Nat" I smiled, retrieving my sketchbook from a still-laughing Al and she mumbled something along the lines of "stupid Americans."

"Technically I was born in Canada!" I yelled back at her mischeiviously and ducked as a book came flying at my head. Her brother, I believe his name is Ivan, gave me an evil glare before heading into the room as well and we all started snickering again.

"Stupid Americans" Iggy mocked, picking up the book by the corner and throwing it at Al. He caught it and kicked it out our window, nearly hitting the pane of glass at the top. We heard the chimes of the grandfather clock and groaned almost in unison, checking our lists for our chores of the day.

"Dang it! I don't want to clean bathrooms all day" Al whined.

"At least you don't have to do the attic, that place gives me the creeps" Iggy argued, pulling on Al's ear.

I've got garden duty, score! That means I get to hang outside, pull weeds and plant whatever flowers Lilly picked out. Maybe I'll even get some time to relax and play with Neko, the balck cat who hangs out by the tool shed.

There was a lot more work than I had anticipated. A whole bed of flowers had to be planted and there were enough weeds to choke a black hole. It was fun none the less, and it gave me some time to think and be on my own. I don't like people very much.

I've been known to have scopeaphobia, the fear of being stared at or noticed. Its not so bad when I'm around my family, but it does get pretty bad sometimes. Some people say I'm like a ghost, I dissapear in plain sight. Theres some times that I can stand in the middle of a room and make myself invisable.

Now is one of those times.

As I was planting the last of the flowers, a crawling itched its way up my spine and I noticed a boy staring at me work. He had very pale skin that looked fragile like paper and hair that was cotton white. His eyes were a deep crimson and they held a sheen of sadness like a kicked puppy.

I tried not to stare back, the tingle getting worse and making me want to run.

This is one of those times.

The boy took a step towards me, then another, and another. I cringed, trying to pull away but the garden fence pressed against me. The boys hand twitched and streatched towards me.

"Are you-" his hand touched my shoulder and I screamed"Don't touch me!Stop looking at me, stop looking at me, stop looking at me!"

He recoiled, stepping back and looking at the ground.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

The sound of his voice made my heart skip a beat and I looked up at him.

"It's ok, I'm sorry for freaking out on you, I normally don't do that." I blushed, embarassed at how I was acting. He gave me a cheshire grin and laughed.

"I know, my awesomeness can be a bit intimidating sometimes. My names Gilbert" his voice held a strange accent and seemed sort of forced. I smiled back and stood up, aqwardly brushing the dirt from my jeans.

"My names Matthew, but most people call me Matt or Mattie. You must be new here."

"Oh, uh.. yea. Me and mein- I mean my brother. His name is Ludwig."

"I see, well I'm sure you'll catch on to things here pretty quick, its kind of self-explanitory."

"Uh yea. I'm sorry, but I'm actually kind of confused. You see- how do I put this.."

"You can't read english very well?" His eyes widened but he nodded.

"How did you know?"

"Your accent. Don't worry though, it happens quite a bit actually. Me and my brothers can help you guys if you need it." He gave me a weak smile, almost like he was embarassed to be talking to me. His face was flushed and he seemed almost feverish. He told me he wanted to introduce me to his brother, so I politely agreed. I hope his brother doesn't stare to.

"Do you have many siblings?" he asked as we began walking towards the back door. I burst out laughing and nodded.

"Not as many as some, but yea. I have three older brothers."

"That must suck" He said furrowing his brow," I have enough trouble with just one brother, and hes younger than me so I can boss him around."

"Nah" I pushed open the door and blinked a few times as my eyes got adjusted to the poorly lit house, "they're actaully pretty fun to be around. They have thier moments, but then again don't we all?"

As if on cue, Al came running towards us, waving a pair of Iggy's british flag boxers while screaming like a viking and a flustered Iggy ran at his heels clutching a towel around his waist. I aughed and high-fived Al as he ran by, whooping with some of the other guys at them.

"Those are your brothers?" Gil asked and I chuckled in return.

"Yea that's Arthur and Alfred, Francis is our oldest brother and hes a lot more mellow than them. You'll meet them soon enough." I ducked around some people who were getting ready for their showers and finaly made it to the main hallway where Gil led me to his room. Sitting on the edge of one of the bunks was a boy no older than mybe 9 with his head propped up on his knee, reading.

"Hey Lud, I found a friend to help us out!" Gil exclaimed, jumping up to the bunk and nearly flinging his brother off the edge. Ludwig looked at me for only a few seconds, for which I was grateful, and then hopped down, extending his hand. He was wearing a long sleave T-shirt and when I shook his hand, the sleave pulled back slightly to reveal thumb print bruises. I casually shook it off and looked over to their schedual.

"Looks like you guys shower second to last. Come on, I'll introduce you to my brothers while you wait."

"don't you have to bathe?" Gil asked, jumping down.

"I'll go second round, theres always two rounds in case you didn't finish your chores in time. It's after dinner before bedtime" I explained, leading them back the way we came. I took the long route, not wanting to get mixed up in the heavy trafic of kids trying to shuffle into the shower room. I never shower first round, too many people.

By the time we got into the room, only Francis was inside. He usually showers second round to. He doesn't like a lot of people either and it puts me at ease to know I'm not alone.

"Ah~ Who are these gentlemen? I don't believe I've seen you both before."

"Franny, this is Gilbert and Ludwig. They just got here today and Gil found me in the garden." I tried to mask the strain in my voice when I said _found_ and failed miserably. Gil shuffled nervoulsy a little ways away.

"Ah I see, so I'm guessing you both are not from around here?" Francis said calmly, a kind smile on his face. I envy him for how well he can comfort someone just by looking at them.

"Ja, my brother and I are from Germany, we moved here only a few months ago and-" Ludwig paused, looking really uncomfortable, "got seperated from our father."

My eyes darted from Ludwig's sleave to Francis, a silent message we've used since we were kids. He gave a slight nod, too little to really notice unless you were really paying attention.

"I'm sorry to hear that. This place really isn't the brightest, but its a lovely place once you get used to it." Brother said, tilting his head.

Just then, Alfred burst through the door in nothing but a towel and Iggy pulled over his shoulder like a rag doll, his face flushed and breathing heavilly from running and laughing. The door swung open, only to crash into me with enough force to split the skin on my forehead.

Gil, Ludi and Francis looked at me, blood oozing onto the bridge of my nose.

And Gilbert passed out cold.

**Ha! I finaly came up with a story for my #2 fav Hetalia character- Canada**

**How is it so far? Hopefully I shall get the next chapter up before May! -cries-**

**Urg I've been so busy but I can't stop writing! I'm supposed to me writing a 16 page report and I've stopped twice so I can write this because I keep running out of things to say XD**

**Yay for procrastination! 8D**

**Love to all my readers -insert kissy face-**

**Please R&R, any and all critisism is appreciated! Even if you want to rage about my spelling/grammer cause I know it sucks (Thats what happens when a Russian tries to write in English)**

**~Yulie**


	2. Talking

**I own nothing! Nya!**

* * *

When we were kids, Arthur used to get sick really easily, so you'd think seeing someone pass out would be normal for me. Wrong. Seeing Gil's eyes roll into the back of his head and drop like a rag doll scared the shit out of me. I can't quite pinpoint why though.

"You alright Mattie? You look like your next" Francis' worried voice made me even more nervous as we hiked Gil onto one of the bunks, his bunk. I shook my head and grabbed a tissue from our little bathroom to wipe the blood off my face. The little mirror above the sink was cracked, spitting my face so I had to stand crooked to see my reflection.

Yea, I was pale like I was about ready to faint. My brothers know better though, I've only ever fainted once in my life, but we don't talk about that. Not anymore.

"So does he do that all the time?" Al asked as I was walking back into the room. I took a breath and restrained myself from cracking him upside the head.

"Nein, not really. He's probably just stressed is all, he hates the sight of blood." Ludwig shifted, obviously uncomfortable to be here without his brother awake. I know how he feels, I used to trail Francis all the time because I hated to be alone. I walked over to where Francis was sitting and sat below him, offering Ludwig a small smile. I know how you feel.

He seemed to get what I was saying and smiled back before fiddling with Gil's pendant nervously. The granfather clock rang in the hallway, signaling dinner time, and as if on cue Gilbert's eyes fluttered half open.

"Bruder" he mumbled and sat up slowly, "where am I- Oh, sorry."

Al started snickering and Iggy bashed him over the head with a book.

"How are you feeling?" Francis asked, playing with my hair.

"Like I got hit with a door- oh wait" he looked over at me with a smirk and we all started laughing. Shouting echoed down the hall and Iggy's stomach growled.

"Guess we should head down for dinner, Vash will scold us if we don't" Al whined and started pulling Iggy out the door. I wanted so much to giggle like a school girl seeing them like that. When they were younger, Iggy pulled Al everywhere and now the tables have turned.

Gilbert followed them out with Ludwig trailing behind him, but when I tried to stand my hair pulled.

"Ow- Hey!" I whined, but stopped dead when I saw the look on Francis' face. He wasn't paying attention to me, his eyes were trained on the window. I pulled my hair out of his grasp and looked out to see a beat up black car pulled to the curb and a man in a suit walking towards the door.

I know that man, don't I? I can't remember how, but something about him-

Oh no. Francis turned to me and my fears were confirmed. Months ago, that same man came here wanting to adopt a child because his wife died, bringing their child with her. He had taken a liking to me, and not in the good way. Francis doesn't want us to be seperated in the first place, but this man just reeks pedophile. Last time he was her he filled out a form for a background check and now he's back.

I'm scared. Francis put his arms around me to comfort me, but we both knew we had to go down there like it or not.

"It'll be OK Mattie" he said with a weak smile while we headed downstairs, "I heard rumors that he has a record so I don't think he'll get you. Just try to endure it until he leaves." Something about the way he said it put me on edge, but I shook it off. Vash is always really thorough in his background checks.

I hope.

Whenever someone is here for a child, we are to greet him and be good little children until they leave. If someone leaves, we are not allowed to cry over them. I've seen many come and go, and I've never once cried. As long as my family never goes, I'm fine.

I almost cried once. There was twin girls who came here with their brothers who were separated The couple took the girl home crying and screaming to her sister that she didn't want to be alone. Even now, her sister cries in her sleep that she wants her sister back. I couldn't imagine being ripped from my family like that, let alone if I was torn from my twin.

Before we ate, Vash introduced the man at the head of the table. He was aproved. I gave a sideways glance to Francis, he was gripping his legs under the table so hard his knuckles were white. The man's name was Johnathan.

No one spoke as they ate, and no one dared not to eat. When we were done, we were to stay seated until we were told otherwise. Those who were to do dishes gathered up the dishes and the rest of us were to head to our designated rooms.

In our room, we all sat on Iggy's bed, Al facing Iggy and me next to Francis drawing each other. I made sure to sit in the corner of the bed so I was almost completely hidden. Even though it was just us, I didn't want Iggy or Al to see me shaking. Hell, I didn't want anyone to see me at all.

"In room 20 we have four brothers" I heard Vash say, "Boys! Attention!" We all got up and stood in a line in order of age. Al stood so our hips were touching and squeezed our hands together behind our backs. I couldn't tell if it was because he was nervous or he wanted to make me feel better, either way it worked. The man stepped in and looked around a bit before looking at each one of us in turn. His eyes lingered on me a little longer than they should, but rage built up in me an his eyes drew to Francis and a smirk stretched across his face.

Back off of my brother you son of a bitch I wanted to shout, but I didn't. The man turned and continued on his way to the next door.

* * *

Later that afternoon, a boy went home with Johnathan. He was one of the younger ones, the quiet ones like me. He was a chineese boy who looked more like a girl than anyone was willing to admit. Yao Wang.

I kind of felt bad for him, his hands were shaking so hard I thought he might end up flinging what little belongings he had across the lawn as they walked to the car. His siblings stared out the front door until they were gone and then two of them broke down.

That night, I stayed in Al's bunk with him so he could sleep. I've had insomnia since I could remember, only sleepin maybe once or twice a week. I spent the night with Al curled next to me in a ball, listening to the soft snoring down the hall and around the room. every once in a while, a silence would fall followed by a low sob next door. Sounds like Nat is having another bad night. I can hear Iggy tossing and turning in his sleep, mumbling about Al stealing his underwear, and Francis is dead weight as always. When he sleeps, he never moves, never makes a sound, only lays his side facing the middle of the room. Every once in a while I find myself holding me breath and looking over at him to make sure he's breathing.

It sounds silly, but he's stopped before. One time he ended up in the hospital because of it. The doctors can't explain it, but it happens. They did hundreds of sleep studies on him, but found nothing wrong. He just stops breathing for no apparent reason. We all have problems of some sort. Iggy has a low immune system and suffers from anemia. Al has a really fast metabolism so he has to eat a lot in order to stay at a sem-normal weight. Francis stops breathing in his sleep and I'm just messed up.

When I was younger, I was told I have a form of HSAN - which stands for Hereditary Sensory Autonomic Neuropathy. Basically, it means I don't feel pain the way I should. The only times I really feel pain is when I break something, and by that time it's already too late. Along with that, I have scopeaphobia and aichmophobia, which is the fear of sharp objects, and thats mostly because of my neuropathy.

In the morning, breakfast today consists of powdered eggs and oatmeal. For dishes, Francis gathers the dishes, Iggy washes them, I dry, and Al puts them away. It goes along smoother than normal, only three cups broken this time, and doesn't take very long so we have a few minutes to spare before morning chores.

For my time, I decide to head upstairs to the library so I can find a book. The library is the largest part of the house, consisting of almost an entire floor. There are over a hundred book shelves stacked so there's just enough room for you to squeeze through with a ladder if needed. All the books are arranged by language and then in alphabetical order by last names of the authors. On the end of each book case is a clipboard to sign out the books. This time, I head to the English section for a book instead of french, skimming my hand along the spines as I walk. The library is my favorite place to be in this place, everything is so quiet and peaceful.

"BOO!" Someone shouts, grabbing my sides. I scream and trun around fast, slamming my fist into their face. Their very, very pale face.

"Oh! I'm so sorry Gilbert!" I squeel and he just laughs, holding his swollen cheek.

"Holy shit! How'd you learn to hit like that? That was awesome!" he laughed, causing heat to come rushing to my face.

"S-so why are you h-here? I th-thought you couldn't r-read english very well" I stumbled over my words and bit my tounge in frustration.

"Oh, I saw you come in and thought I'd sneak up on you! There's hardly any books in the german section that I haven't read and the other ones are totaly not awesome enough for my time." He chuckled, a sort of odd sound.

* * *

I ended up spending my time sitting on the floor in the library with Gilbert. I pulled out a random book from the shelf and attempted to teach him English It probably would of been better if Iggy taught him, he's a great teacher. I took my time to make sure he was getting what I was saying. He could speak it perfectly, but give him a pen and paper and you got German every time. Give him a book, and he'd be lost within the first couple of sentences.

"So why did you move to America?" I asked, shocking myself. I don't usually ask people anything except the usual "hows it going?"

"Well, my mom got really sick so we moved for the hospital care and because our dad was working here for his company. When mom died, dad lost his job and-" he paused, looking down at the floor. His pendant was clutched in his palm like a lifeline and my heart sank with sympathy.

"You don't have to tell me" I breathed, hoping to make him feel better. Seeing him this way seems...scary. He seems like the kind of guy who could face the world without blinking.

"To be honest I really want to. Is that OK " He looked at me like he was waiting for me to yell at him and run away. I nodded, if he wanted someone to talk to, I'd listen. It's probably best anyways, I never tell anyone personal things except my brothers. Even with them I hold back some information.

"When my dad lost his job, he started working at a small car repair shop near home. We didn't have much money, just enough to get by, and it hurt him." He wiped his hands on his jeans, "he started drinking. It was only a few times at first but it kept getting worse, and when he'd come home-" he pulled his legs up to his chest and pressed his forehead to his knees. It was then that I realized a few things. He was sickly skinny, his ribs showing even with his shirt covering him. Where his shirt hiked up a bit in the back was a thick white scar, about the width of a fifty cent piece.

Without thinking, I reached out and brushed the tips of my fingers against the scar and noticed he was shaking. Standing up, I pulled on his sleaves until he stood to and led him out of the library and down the stairs.

I took him to the one place I know he would feel better, Nina's room.

Nina is the live-in nurse here at the orphanage, and she's one of the nicest people I've ever met. She has long red hair and dark green eyes with a child's face and the body of a swimsuit model. When we walked in, she took one look at me and then at Gil before shooing us to a corner of the room where two cots lay. I sat cross-legged on one and watched as Nina gave Gil a fluffy blanket and rocked him gently in her arms. He didn't cry, which was surprising, but after a little while he calmed down and fell asleep.

"How have you been feeling Mattie? Still quiet as ever?" she giggled, pulling another blanket over Gilbert, "It was nice of you to help him out though, sometimes talking about things makes it easier." I nodded and she handed me a blanket as well, sitting next to me. This is sort of a routine with her and I. Whenever Al's dreams get real bad or when he gets a panic attack, I bring him here and I sit with Nina and talk till he wakes up. Technically, I could have just dropped Gil off and left, but something tells me that would be cruel.

"Have you been sleeping Mattie?" Nina asked and I shook my head. OK talking isn't the best way to describe it. She sighed and jingled her keys, getting up and opening the medicine cabinet. She came back with a little paper cup two pills and a cup of water.

"Here, take this and get some sleep, I'll wake you up before lunch time." It took me three tries to finally get them down and I laid down, letting Nina tuck me in around a few blankets. I found myself watching Gil's back, the rise and fall of his breathing, and before long I was asleep to.

* * *

**Finally I got chapter 2 done!**

**I'm hoping to start the next one soon, but I'm not sure when**

**As always, much love to all my viewers!**

**please R&R**

**~Yulie**


	3. Fight

Nina didn't get me up till it was almost dinner time.

I woke up alone in the room, dazed and feeling groggy, and quickly folded all the blankets and placed them in the cupboard before making my way to my room. When I got there, Iggy threw a pillow at me, making me stumble backwards and crack my head on the door frame. I hope it wasn't too hard.

"Where the hell were you? We were looking everywhere!" He scolded, spinning me to check my head where I hit it. He let out a muffled curse and grabbed a rag from the bathroom, pressing it to the back of my head. I guess it was hit pretty hard, oh well.

"I was sleeping in Nina's room, she gave me a pill." I apoligised, earning a sigh in return.

"Why didn't you say something beforehand?" Al whined, streatching out upside down on the top bunk.

"I guess I wasn't thinking, I was tired" I fibbed, walking over to join Al, "where'd Franny head to?"

"He's downstairs chillin' in the garden. He had a bad coughing fit and went out for some air." I winced, I hope he's alright. Iggy groaned and joined us, squishing me in-between them.

"So Mattie, what do you think of the new kids? That one guy, what was his name... Ludwig! that's it. Anyways, he came by today and played cards with us. He kicked both our asses four times in a row!" Al rambled, "what was the other kids name again?"

"Gilbert" I said, "and technically he's not a kid, he's 14."

"How do you know that?" they both said in unison, narrowing their eyes at me.

"I asked."

They both exchanged looks, a sort of silent communication I've learned to hate, and they both nodded. Iggy opened his mouth to speak, but a kid came bursting through the door.

"Fight!" he exclaimed, breathing heavy, "the new guys fighing Ivan!" We all three rolled off the bed and took off down the hall where a circle was formed. Gilbert was sitting ontop of Ivan, rage burning in his eyes, hitting him over and over again. Ivan struggled beneath him, spitting blood onto the floor and Gil's shirt. No one said a word, they just watched in awe in fear that Vash or Lilly would hear.

My skin prickled like it was on fire and adrenaline scortched my veins. I pinched Al, he nooded, and I shot forward. I wrapped my arms under Gil and arched myself back so he was off of Ivan and Al grabbed Ivan before he could lunge at Gil. It took every ounce of my strength to contain him as he yelled at the Russian in some sort of German slang, spitting blood on the floor for emphasis. Iggy came over and helped me drag him down the hall and back into our room, then he ran back to help Al with Ivan.

Gil kicked the edge of one of the bunks, cursing under his breath. He turned to me angrilly and took a step forward, slamming his fist into my jaw.

"Why the hell did you stop me?" he yelled, swinging at me again, "why?" He hit me twice more but then stopped when he realised I wasn't flinching or recoiling with the blows. His pale white face seemed paler and I felt the trickle of blood ooze from my face. He was wearing a ring.

"Can't you feel that?" he choked out,rubbing his finger over the wound a few times before grabbing a tissue to wipe the blood away. At least he didn't faint this time.

"No" I said calmly, pushing his hand away from me and wiping my cheek with the back of my hand, "I don't feel pain. Not physical pain at least."

"What?" His eyes widened, "how is that possible?"

I shrugged, picked up my sketch book, and climbed up to my bed. For a few minutes, he stood there aquardly picking at his shirt and then he climbed halfway up to my bed, leaning against the rail of my bed.

"Sorry for hitting you, Matt. I just lost it" he said weakly. I just shrugged and kept working, "I'm used to it." He furrowed his brow at my statement, but didn't press the issue. Thank the gods.

"So what are you drawing?"

"A tiger lilly."

"A what?"

"A tiger lilly" I turned the book so he could see it better, "They're Nina's favorite flower. I figured I'd draw one for her for helping me out earlier."

"That's amazing, how'd you learn to draw like that?" I shrugged again, shading the peatals.

"Your not much of a talker are you Mattie?" He grinned.

I glared back at him, "I was never much to do anything outside of the shadows till you showed up. Now I can't stop stepping forward" I snapped and he winced.

"Sorry for being such a burden"he tried for sarcasm, but I could hear the sadness in his voice and sighed.

"Your not a burden, your a friend. Big difference." I climbed over the rail and jumped down, "stay here till I get back, I'm gonna see how Ivan's holding up." He grabbed my arm, "he told Ludi he was a bastard child" he breathed, "told him to give up on living. Saying something like that to him-" he paused, "he's already tried once, I can't let that happen again." I turned to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll be back soon. Stay here so you wont get in any more trouble, I'll come back with your brother." He nodded, his eyes misty. I turned so I wouldn't see him cry and left the room so he could be alone.

_He's already tried once...already tried..._

A shiver went down my spine at the thought.

_Don't worry Gil, I won't let that happen. I keep my friends and family safe, even if it's from the shadows._ Something about him set me on fire, set me into action.

Suddenly "friend" wasn't the word I wanted to use. How could I think that though? I only just met him...

Oh well, this will be interesting.

**Finaly came up with something for chapter 3 woot!**

***laughes like a maniac and bangs head on desk***

**I wanted to do something to show brotherly love between the German bros and show how easily Prussia can snap all at once, poor Ivan :(**

**Russia is my favorite character, so it was kinda painful to write, but I did it anyways.**

**Please R&R! I love you all!**

**~Yulie**


	4. Change (Unfortunately)

Besides a dislocated jaw and a broken nose, Ivan was fine. He had a pretty nasty bruise on his cheek that came down to just below his collar bone. Natalia thanked me for helping him, the oldest sibling, Katyusha, tried not to cry while I was in the room. Al sat with her, rubbing her back to calm her down. I'm so proud of him.

Once I was sure Ivan didn't have anything broken, I excused myself from the room and headed down the many halls to where Ludwig and Gilbert's room was. Ludwig was sleeping, curled up around his pillow. I laid a hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly.

"Ludwig" I mumbled, "wake up." His eyelids fluttered and opened slowly. It took him a few minutes to fully wake up and then I explained to him what had happened between Gil and Ivan, leaving out the gory details as much as possible. I didn't want to scare him.

"How do you know so much?" he asked, yawning. He had thick bags under his eyes for being so young; it made me regret waking him.

"I'm trying to become a doctor" I answered, leading him out of the room and back towards mine. He stayed silent most of the way, his steps heavy and his shoulders slumped like a kicked puppy. A lump formed in my throat at the thought of what he and his brother could have went through.

_Already tried once..._

I paused outside the door long enough to make sure Gil wasn't crying anymore, listening closely to the silence on the other end. Something tells me he wouldn't want his brother to see him cry. He was sitting on the floor in front of the window, flipping through one of my sketchbooks. He didn't seem to notice us until Ludwig came over and put a hand on the top of his head.

"Gil, you're an ass" he grumbled, "You told me you wouldn't fight anyone."

"Yea" he smirked, "I know. I was caught in the moment bruder, it won't happen again." He put two fingers against Ludwig's chest and then closed the sketchbook in front of him. My eyes widened when I saw the cover and I quickly snatched it off the floor.

"Something wrong Mattie?" Gil asked suddenly. He reached out to put a hand on my shoulder but I took a step back.

"Don't worry about it" I breathed, shoving the book under my pillow. It was Francis' old sketchbook, the only pictures I had of mom and dad. He looked worried for a second, but then composed himself.

"Bruder, you look tired. Haven't you been sleeping?" Gil asked, dragging his thumb under Ludwig's eyes. I climbed up to my bunk while they talked, flipping to the lilly and tearing it out.

"I'll be back" I announced, heading down to Nina's room.

If Nina told me she could wrestle a bear, I'd believe her. Her hug was strong enough to leave bruises.

I left her room and headed downstairs to the garden, sitting under the warm sun and pulling grass from the earth. The outdoors have always been my sanctuary. The solitude of vast space, the smell of moisture and earth, the feel of the soft warmth of the sun and the wind against me makes me feel like a small part of something bigger.

I don't know how long I was out there, but frankly I don't really care. I was calm, I was alone. I lay against the grass, letting the warm light envelope me like a blanket. I wish I could sleep out here; maybe Nina would let me have one of those pills...

No. That could never happen. At least I can enjoy it now.

"You look so peaceful mon cher" a familiar voice said above me, blocking the sun from my face. I opened my eyes to see Francis crouching above me, a serene look on his face. He leaned back on his heels and scooted so he could lie next to me. I closed my eyes again, the warmth of his body next to mine felt good, but I kind of wished he wasn't there.

He didn't try to get me to talk, for which I was grateful. If I tried to talk now, I'm afraid of what I would say, what I would confess. I had always told Francis my deepest darkest secrets, but what would he think of me if I told him I was gay? And what if I told him of my sudden lust for Gilbert? Even to myself, I felt disgusted to find myself so attracted to him so quickly. Would he be angry? Disappointed?

Vash would skin me alive; let the others beat me up in the hallways. He has the worst hatred for homosexuals, he'd send me away. I can't let that happen, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Hey Francis?" I asked, biting my lip. Maybe he would comfort me, let me know its ok.

"Hmm?" he hummed, threading his pinky around mine. He always used to do that when I was little.

_It means I'll keep whatever you tell me a secret_ he would say_ so you can tell me anything._

I swallowed a lump in my throat, "what happened earlier? Al said you had a fit, I thought the doctors said you were getting better." I bit my tongue, _coward._

He sighed, "I'm sorry Mattie. I don't think I'll be any better any time soon" his voice cracked and I tensed," my medicine isn't working anymore, there trying to find something new. Don't worry though, it won't kill me. The doctors said even without my meds I have a good six or seven years." A weight against my chest, that's what it felt like. I could barely breathe. He squeezed my hand, "I won't leave you guys Mattie" he said with confidence, "I won't leave my family alone, I promise you that."

"You better not" I choked, "or we'll bring you back to kill you again." He laughed, and the weight lifted a bit, letting me breathe again.

"So what did you really want to ask me Mattie?" He asked, propping himself on his elbow so he could see my face. Damn it.

"I don't know what you mean" I fibbed, chewing on my tongue.

"Come on Mattie, I know your lying. So what's bothering you?" I closed my eyes and lifted my head to the sun, hoping he would just give up. I knew better, but still it's worth a try, right?

"How do I know what is love?" I whispered, just low enough that he could hear.

"Love?" He paused as if he wasn't sure how to answer, "Alright Mattie, what's their name?"

_Their_ name, not _her _name. Maybe there's a chance.

"I can't say" I sighed, "not yet at least."

"What's the problem then?" I squinted at the sun, now drifting below the trees.

"I don't know if he likes me." I mentally slapped myself.

"_He_? I see..." He trailed off and I prepared myself for disappointment, anger, something. None came; instead he reached over and cradled my head in his hands. His eyes were hard to read, but I saw nothing bad as far as I could tell.

"Mattie" he whispered, "be careful, ok? I want you to know I have nothing against you being with another man, but others may not feel the same, OK?" My eyes widened and I realized something. He talks as if he knows by experience. I opened my mouth to ask but he hushed me.

"We have to go back inside, it's getting dark. We can talk more tomorrow if you'd like." He got up and helped me do the same. As I walked, I saw him take a long look at the gates and sigh before following me inside.

_I'm sorry brother, I know how you feel. If only we could leave this place, but you have three more years until you can take us from here. If they'll let you take us from here that is._

That night, I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking. In the faint glow of light from the window, I could see the pictures I've posted on the ceiling. One of Al, Iggy and Francis sitting together on the park bench, a drawing of the garden last spring, and may more spread out above me, held together by pieces of tape.

I sighed, rolling over to grab my stuffed polar bear Kuma. My hands itched to draw something, but I knew if I started, his face would show up. I can't understand my fascination for him, it's not like he's anything special right? Maybe it's because of him being albino.

His eyes, his skin, his hair. I buried my head in Kuma's synthetic fur, trying to calm my breathing. Maybe I'm just going through the change like Iggy did.

Gods I hope not.

I tossed and turned, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I clawed at my nightshirt and at the skin on my arms.

_Calm down Matthew, just stay calm._

"Mattie?" Al said groggily, his eyes poking from in between the rails of my bed, "you OK?"

"Yea, I'm ok Al" I whispered, "Just go back to bed." He hesitated for a while, but the thought of sleep won him over and he lay back down. I wrapped myself around Kuma and my arm hit something solid. Oh yea, Francis' sketch book. I pushed it farther under my pillow and pulled the blankets off of me. I felt hot and sticky with sweat, so I moved to go open the window. Before I could do so, I noticed a bulge in my pajama pants and groaned.

_Damn it Iggy_ I cursed, knowing very well it wasn't his fault, this would happen eventually whether I like it or not. I hooked my blanket around myself and headed into the bathroom.

Fuck. My. Life.

The next morning, I ducked out of the room before my brothers were fully awake. I need a shower, maybe that will calm down. I quickly stripped down and took the shower at the far end, turning the water on scolding hot. The water stung my arms and I looked down to see thin, long scratches on my chest and arms, almost like cat scratches. I scrubbed them like the soap would take them away, and ended up making the raised and irritated.

Great, just great. Now someone's going to think I'm hurting myself.

"You're up early little bird." I froze and slowly turned towards the voice. Gilbert. I wanted to ram my head against the wall, but I couldn't help but let my eyes wander over him. His chest was covered in scars and burn marks, circling to his shoulders and down his arms. His legs had more scars, thank the heavens he was wearing a towel. He furrowed his brow, looking at my arms.

"What happened?"

_"_I got scratched by my bed. _"OH I just got all hot and bothered thinking about you last night and ended up clawing myself if the process._

He gave me a look like "do I look that stupid" but dropped the subject, turning on one of the showers next to me and taking off his towel. Oh no.

I turned off the shower and twisted my towel around my waist, trying not to look in his direction as I walked to the bench where my clothes lay. I pulled on a pair of jeans, thankful not to have a certain visitor like last night, and pulled a sweatshirt on. I dodged past yawning boys filing in and headed back to my room.

The only one in the room was Al, still sitting up in bed and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I walked past him, grabbed a random sketch book and a few pencils, and tried to get back to the door before he noticed me. No luck. He grabbed my sweater and tugged on it, sending me stumbling sideways onto an empty spot on his bed.

He laughed, getting up and dodging as I swung at him and thrust my foot at his side. He stuck out his tongue and dug through Iggy's drawers, pulling out a pair of worn out jeans and a T-shirt.

"Smell ya later Mattie!" He teased, dashing out of the room. Sometimes I wish I could just strangle him with a pillow case. I headed up to my bunk in defeat and propped my sketchbook against my knee.

After a few minutes, I groaned and crumbled up my drawing. It was Gil. I started again, but three more times I ended up drawing him. Well, not exactly. It's complicated.

Eventually, I just gave up. Today is Sunday, so we don't have chores. The grandfather clock chimes led me to the dining room for breakfast and grace was being said I felt a nervous tingle. I would have to roll up my sleeves to eat. I did so, hoping no one would notice. I wonder how the other kids hide like they do. I know of a couple of kids that are cutters, so how do they hide it?

I sighed, now I'm sounding like them. I need to just stay calm and live on.

Easier said than done. When I was done, I rolled my sleeves back and sat patiently while the others ate until we were excused from the table. I headed out back into the garden, propping myself against a tree with Neko in my lap asleep. I'm starting to think being alone isn't such a good thing; it gives me too much time to think.

I leaned my head against the tree, breathing in the fresh scent of cut grass.

For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep.

**Hell yea I have spell check now XD**

**So how is it? I knwo its kinda depressing right now, but I promise it will get better!**

**Me love you long time :3**

**Please R&R!**

**~Yulie**


	5. I really like you

I woke up in my bed. I wanted to scream, thrash around like a two year old throwing a tantrum. Instead, I groaned and dug my nails into Kuma in anger.

"Lookie who's awake bruder, the little birdy's awake" a voice wafted from below, followed by a strange chuckle. Gil poked his head in between the rails of my bed, his eyes lit up and a sly smirk streatched across his face like a cheshire cat.

"Wha?" I lept up in surprise, cracking my shoulder on the wall behind me hard enough to hear my bone pop. _Shit._

I rolled it a few times, trying to see if it would pop out of place, but I was safe. I probably just sprained it, I can't tell. Oh well.

Gilbert's laughter was mixed with a much deeper one, Ludwig. Once Gil hopped back down, I tilted my head over to see Gil, Ludwig, Iggy and Al playing cards in a circle on the floor with Francis propped on his bed being referee.

"It's about time you started sleeping like the rest of us, just not out in the garden and you'll finally be normal." Iggy picked, never looking up from his cards as they were passed around the circle. Al snickered and slammed his cards down, grabbing a hair tie from the center of a pile. Iggy groaned, being to slow to grab one for himself.

"Karma!" I yelled down to him, climbing down once I was sure I was ok.

"I don't believe in karma" Iggy shot back.

"And that's why its easier to get bad karma for you." I stuck out my tounge and sat on his chest, making him groan and thrash around.

"Get off me fat ass!" he yelled, trying to throw me off.

"Ha! I weigh thirteen pounds less than you! Say it!"

"Never!"

I grabbed his leg, twisting it around, "say it!"

"N-never!"

One more twist, "UNCLE!"

I grinned in triumph and scooted onto the floor by Al, giving him a high five as well as Ludwig and Gil. The stinging in my arm started up again and frustration flared up in me. Oh, so I can't feel a bone breaking until it's broken, but I can feel scratches? What the fuck body?

Ludwig delt out a hand of cards and put an extra hair tie in the pile so I could join in, starting the rotation of cards. I kept a trained eye on my cards and the pile, watching as Ludwig very stealthily took a hairband and did the same. It took Al and Gil a few more passes before they realised the missing bands and Gil was to slow for my brother.

"Holy shit Al, your fast." Gil groaned, flopping back onto the hardwood floor in defeat. He had a red mark on his fingers, thats what you get for playing a game like this with elastic.

This time it was Al's turn to deal. It wasn't much of a challenge, he didn't notice the bands were gone till it was too late.

"Two ninjas" Gil said in an overly dramatic voice, covering his mouth to make sound effects, "battling for their lives in the epic card game that lay in front of them." He made a few more sound effects while I shuffled and delt the cards.

I foucse myself at the task at hand, pass, draw, pass. I kept my eye on Ludwig in between, watching the nervous twitch of his hand. Finaly, my cards were right and I passed him a card, sweeping the hairband up on my way back to the deck.

"Game." I placed my cards down and showed him the elastic band.

"Wow Mattie, you really are a ninja!" Al exclaimed, " That was so smooth! one fluid movement and you had the game!" He gave me a rough pat on the back and I smiled at Ludwig, "good game." He nodded and stacked the cards up, good thing he's not a sore looser like Iggy.

Said man was curled up in the corner, still pouting.

I yawned and streatched, looking over to Francis. He was reading a book, looking quite pleased with it's contents. It was an adventure book I've seen him read over and over. I don't understand how he can do that, I can barely read two books from the same series back to back, let alone read the same book over and over again.

An arm wrapped around my neck and a pair of knuckles ground into the top of my head.

"Come on sleeping beauty! Let's go hop the fence and have some fun!" Gil exclaimed, keeping his voice low enough so people outside our door wouldn't hear.

"Are you nuts! It's the middle of the day!" Iggy snapped, returning from his emo corner.

"Aww, where's your sence of adventure Freund? If we go now, they wont know we're missing till dinner! They can't keep up with us throughout all the chores being done." He looked over to me, "Come on birdy, you'll go with us wont ya?"

I blushed and stammered, my tounge heavy.

"I'm game!" Al high-fived him and put an arm around my neck, "and Mattie'll go to!"

"Hey! Your not leaving me behind!" Iggy hissed.

"What about you Franny, you coming?" Al asked, mischief behind his eyes. Francis closed his book and tapped it against his chin as if he was thinking and nodded, throwing the book on his pillow.

"We better get going before Vash starts up his rounds, we don't want him to find up halfway up the gate" he chuckled.

It took me two tries to get over the fence, the first time I fell from the top the wrong way and ended up in a rose bush. I would say ouch, but you get the drift.

The second time, I climbed all the way up and all the way back down on the other side, shoelaces are a man's worst enemy. When I got down, my hands were bleeding from holding onto the gate to hard. I have problems with that sometimes, I don't know how much to grip so I end up hurting myself. The doctor told me it's because pain puts limitations on the human body, so I have little to no limitations. Aside from breaking bones and diclocating joints that is.

I was prepared, taking out a roll of gause from my pack, a small drawstring bookbag I always carry, and wrapped my hands while I waited for Al and Ludwig to hop over. Ludwig hoped over the 12 foot fence in ten seconds flat, making Al look like a snail. Al is pretty good at climbing, but not _that_ good. Even Gil took longer than him. I think I'll give him some brownie points for that one. Francis could have practically two stepped the fence, he's nearly 6 foot and all legs. The doctors said he had a growth spurt real early in life and that he should feel blessed, but that also means he's done growing.

You win some, you lose some, right?

Once we were all over, we ducked out of view and headed towards the park. The park runs strait through the city, so if you follow it strait through you'll end up in town.

"Alright I'm gonna set my watch to beep twenty minutes before we have to get back, that should give us plenty of time to get back." Gil said, pressing a few buttons on the side of his black wristwatch. The one he said he "borrowed" from his father before he got sent to the orphanage with Ludi.

He grabbed me under my arm and took off running, making my face heat up and my breathing quicken. _What the hell body? Stop it!_

The others stood there dumbstruck and I couldn't help but notice the look Francis was giving me. _Good luck._

"Heh, I want to show you something" Gil whispered, ducking behind a store and back into a streatch of woods. Our whole town is covered in woods, a few splotched carved out for houses and shoping centers. We stopped ontop of a large hill overlooking a small valley. He sat on the edge of the clif face, patting the ground next to him and I reluctantly sat.

"When we were kids, Mein mutti would take me and Ludi out here to watch the sun rise in the morning. It's so peaceful out here, I figured you might like it better than the bustling city." He let out that weird chuckle again, "I'm not much of a city person either."

"Really?" I asked, surprised, "You seem so much more calm around a bunch of people."

"Yea" he sighed, "I'm only like that so people can lean on me, ya know? I can't stand to see others in pain, which speaking of-" he pointed to my arms.

"I didn't do this to myself, not the way your thinking at least. Why would I? I can't feel pain." I rubbed my arms absentmindedly as I spoke. He shook his head, "there are other reasons people do it Matt, besides I don't take you to be the kind of guy to hurt yourself." He mumbled something, propping his knees under his chin.

"What?" He shook his head, "nothing, just forget about it." I crossed my legs indian style and opened my pack, taking out a little jar of flower petals and opening them.

"What are those for?" Gil asked, obviously thinking I was nuts for carrying such a thing. I took out the petals and scattered them off into the wind.

"I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. Iggy and Al used to say it was like a gift to our mama if we sent them in the wind." I sighed and put the lid back on, placing the jar back into my pack.

"Hey Mattie? Can you keep a secret?" he asked suddenly, tilting so his face was closer to mine, holding out his pinky. I nodded and wraped my pinky over his, _you can tell me anything._

He kissed me on the cheek, a light touch that sent electricity coursing through my veins.

"I really like you." If there was anytime that I would faint, it would have been then. He pulled back, burying his face in his knees and he let out an agonising groan.

"Ok, you can hit me now" he said, his voice muffled. I touched my cheek gingerly and swallowed.

"I'm not gonna hit you Gil" I whispered, putting a hand on his back. He looked up at me out of the corner of his eye and his face slowly showed his understanding. He seemed shocked, sad and happy all at once. I couldn't resist, I cupped his cheek and ran my thumb over the smooth skin just below his eye, red like blood.

"Wait so does this mean-" he paused and licked his lips, "does this mean-"

"I don't know" I answered honastly, "does it?"

He seemed to contemplate that for a while, his fingers tapping on his feet while he thought. He looked at me briefly, cupped my face like I had done to him and inched his face towards mine...

"Hey Mattie? Gilbert? Where'd you guys go?" I heard Iggy and Al's voice trail not far behind us. We pulled back and stared out over the valley, both trying to recover our composure. I put my bag in between my legs and took a deep breath.

"There you guys are! We were looking for ya!" Al looked out to the valley with awe and Francis gave me a sad look. _Couldn't stall them for long._ I smiled back, _didn't need to, I got what I needed._

**Awww young love ~sigh~**

**So yea, it was kinda abrupt but I figured that was the kind of way Gil would want to do it, strait and to the point.**

**This is going pretty fast ~le shocked face~**

**Aaaaand my spell check is derping and shutting down my word thinggy :'(**

**Any questions or anything feel free to ask**

**Love to all who read my Fics!**

**Please R&R!**

**~Yulie**


	6. Busted

I never thought I would ever find myself in love, but who would? I don't think anyone would wake up in the morning and say "today I'm going to fall in love with a random stranger and have to hide it for the rest of my life." Well, not for the _rest _of my life, but you get the picture.

For two days after Gil had taken me to the cliffs edge, he snuck into my room in the middle of the night and we hoped out the window into the garden. My bedroom window is parrallel to a large pole that we canstep onto and slide down to the bottom. The hard part is trying to jimmy open the side door without setting off the alarm, but Gil proved to be quite experienced in doing so. He told me he had never slept in his bed since he had gotten here, how sleeping in the garden was more appealing. I understood what he meant.

After the third day, we decided to stop in case someone found out and told Vash. Those two days were amazing. We would sit against the side of the house and talk for the entire night under the stars. After a while, Gil would lay his head on my shoulder and I could hear his soft breathing as he slept. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, and so much younger. His face relaxed and his mouth open just ever so slightly. He would murmer in his sleep about Ludwig and his father. Sometimes he would start shaking, so I would lay him down and smooth his hair like I would with Al when he had a nightmare.

Now, we meet early in the morning in the shower room. We talk a while and steal silent kisses until we can hear others scurrying from their sleep. We wet our hair in the spray of the showers to avoid as much suspicion as possible, and then head out to his room or mine depending on what we feel like doing. We would play cards with Ludi, Al and Iggy or sit on his bed and he'd watch me draw. A few times I convinced him to try and draw a few things, but he got frustrated really easily and usualy ended up crumbling the paper up in a rage. It was funny to watch him at work, his face scrunching in concentration. It was kind of cute, in a sort of Gilbert kind of way.

I had to remind him a couple o ftimes not to show affection outright in the begining. I could understand why he was always trying to show it, it was hard for me to. When we would walk in the halls, I had to walk two steps behind so I wouldn't be tempted to hold his hand. When we would sit side by side on his bed, I had to force myself upward so I wouldn't try to curl up in his lap.

I love him, I want to keep him safe.

I'm pretty sure Ludwig already knew about us, and I know Francis knew. Al and Iggy seemed to be ignorant, but with them you can never really know for sure.

You know that saying, every cloud has a silver lining? I almost believe that, almost. I guess I should have noticed the whispers and the way people would look at me when I walk by. I'll admit it, I felt like I was floating and I didn't want to notice because I was afraid to fall.

Vash found out.

One day, Vash came into our room in the afternoon and pulled all four of us out into the main foyer. Everyone was to stand and watch as we were "made an example of" to anyone in the orphanage who were gay. At first, I thought maybe he had found out about me and Gilbert, until I saw the other boy that was pulled to be beside us.

Vash found out.

He was a dark skinned boy with reddish brown hair and green eyes. His clothes hung off him and his shoulders were slumped. When he looked to us, his eyes rested on Francis before his head hung low and his shoulders started shaking.

I don't understand why I was part of this, I can't feel the belt. The worst part was seeing Francis, Iggy and Al being whipped. When the other boy and his younger sister were beat, Francis refused to look up, his hands balled into fists at his side so hard that blood trickled between his fingers.

So he was speaking from experience...

Once the show was over, we all were to return to our rooms. Iggy and Al ducked into the room next door with Ivan and his siblings and I sat with Francis on his bed trying to keep him together. Brother doesn't take stress well, he ends up going into shock and then he switches to this abnormal, scary, and dangerous calm. It's when he calms down that bad things happen. I have never seen him cry, I'm not even sure he knows how.

"Brother" I whispered, tapping my foot against his, "talk to me."

"Mattie" his voice cracked, "please promise... promise me you'll be more careful than me." He turned to face me, his eyes glazed over in sadness, "I don't want you to be put in that situation." I nodded and curled up in his lap like I used to when we were younger.

"I promise, big brother. I wont let anything happen to the ones I love."

That night I snuck out with Gilbert again. I know it was stupid to do so, but I couldn't help but want to see him again. This time, we hoped the fence and pressed our backs to the concrete wall instead of just sitting in the garden.

We both stayed clear away from the subject of what happened today. The only thing Gil said was that he knew the kid and that he was sorry that they were caught. The boy's name was Antonio, he came to America with his sister from Spain and ended up on the streets when his mom died.

"How long does your brother have left here?" Gil asked, wraping an arm around my waist.

"He turned sixteen last week, so he's got two more years." I whispered, leaning my head against his chest.

"Last week?" Gil squeeked. I nodded and a giggle bubbled up from me, "he doesn't like celebrating his birthday, says it makes him feel old." He chuckled and settled his head in the crook of my neck. He licked the shell of my ear, making me shiver.

"Stop that" I whined, but it only made him do it again.

"But you look so cute, Mattie" he kissed me on the cheek, his lips lingering there a bit. I groaned and leaned back against him in defeat. I twisted my head so he could actually kiss me, sending electricity down to my toes.

All is right with the world. I wish I could believe that. For now, I guess I'll just pretend that its true, live in the moment while it lasts. Damn I'm depressing, maybe I should just shut up? Oh well.

"So when is your birthday Mattie?" Gil asked, tangling his fingers in mine.

"July 3rd, what about you?"

"Aww! I missed your birthday to?" He laid his head on my shoulder in a pout and I giggled again.

"Don't worry about it, answer my question." I tilted my head to smack into his. He chuckled and nipped my ear, making me squeek.

"January 18th" he breathed in my ear, almost as if he was afraid someone would hear him. I twisted my head to kiss him again, his eyes were lit up and filled with love. This time, his lips lingered longer than usual.

"I love you Mattie" he whispered.

"I love you to Gil." Gods you have no Idea how much I do.

It wasn't long before we decided to hop back over the fence and sneak back into the house. This time, I pulled him down the halls to the basement. I elbowed the part of the door that held the lock until the pop sounded, signaling the lock leaving its spot in the wood. I opened the way and we carefuly made our way down the creaking stairway and I flickered on the light furthest from the stairwell.

"what is all this stuff?" Gil asked, blowing dust off of a stack of cardboard boxes.

"This was a storage place back when this place used to house soldiers in World War one. I stumbled apon it a year ago,, Vash never even comes to this end of the house. He thinks it's haunted." We both laughed and I uncovered one of the toolboxes in the corner of the room, grabbing a flat headed screwdriver and heading over to one of the many crawlspaces.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked, crouching beside me as I twisted the screws from the deadbolt.

"These are rusted shut, but they'll lead up into the library if your strong enough to pull yourself up."

"You sneaky bastard, how'd you find all this stuff?" he exclaimed, blinking at me.

I raised a brow at him, "I'm an insomniac with a love for exploration, sue me."

He raised his hands in defeat, "so where do the other ones go?"

"The kitchen, attic, furnance room, the back of the house and a safe room."

"A safe room?"

"Yea, I think this part of the house, the tunnels I mean, were built durring World War two to hide any refugees." I stopped my work for a second when something hit me.

"How do you do with small, dark places?" He paled and that was all the answer I needed.

"Sorry Mattie" I shook my head and smiled up at him, dusting myself off and making my way to a stack of boxes. I found a stack of old bedrolls and stacked them on the floor to sit on.

"Tell me more about your story." I said. He came over and sat against the wall with his legs on either side of me so I could lean back against him.

"I haven't come up with any more yet Ludi" he chuckled.

"You should write it down, you could be a writer." I hummed, drumming my fingers against his where they lay against my stomach.

"I can't write very well" he whinned, "you should write it for me."

I considered that for a bit, but was torn from my thoughts by a pair of lips. I love the way he can clear my mind and make me feel like I'm floating. The way his nose always bangs against my cheekbone at first and how his fingers curl around mine like a silent prayer. A prayer, thats what it is, a prayer that this will last forever.

I love his scent, a mixture of mint and fresh fallen rain like he rolled from a herb garden, his crimson eyes shining and his eyes streatching with his smile. His snowy hair skimming across my forhead like the feather of an eagle. I love how his arms wrap around me, strong yet vunerable at the same time, like he's falling apart and I'm the only thing keeping him together. He makes me feel wanted.

He makes me feel _needed_, and I need him to.

Our time was cut by the steady beep of Gil's watch, telling us to head to our rooms before Vash makes his rounds. I groaned and got up, making my way up the stairs and pulling him back to the main hallways so he knows where to go. We parted without a word and whent our seperate ways.

Francis was waiting for me to return and when I crawled back in bed, he gave me a silent warning. _Don't be stupid Mattie, don't risk it_.

Yea yea, I know.

**AAAWWWW so cute :3**

**So yea Gil and Mattie are bein all cuddly and Francis is on lockdown cause he and Toni got caught -le sad face-**

**Please R&R! I love you all!**

**~Yulie**


	7. Siblings

It hurts to know how bad things can get, will get. Even if I cannot feel physical pain, emotions still overwhelm me just as any other human being. I hide my emotions, never letting them come close to surfacing.

Today, I cried. I cried till my lungs burned and my throat swelled to the point that I could barely breathe. I cried for hours wrapped in my brothers arms as he himself cried. It was the first timeI had ever seen Francis shed a tear, but then again so did I.

We were helpless, watching as a young couple, around their mid twenties, signed the papers and took Al and Iggy from us. The woman told Vash that she had always wanted twins.

I cried, I screamed, I _hurt_. Vash didn't seem to care, but I was grateful that he at least turned away from my behavior. No one is ever allowed to act in such a way when their siblings are taken, but he knows that showing such emotion is unlike me. I think I might have scared him, now that I think about it.

Gil and Ludwig spent the afternoon in our room with us, and for once I was greatful to have company. Ususaly, I prefer to suffer alone, but having them both there made me feel better. Expecially Gil. I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me, to take away the dull pain that pushed against my chest and made it hard to believe, but I knew we were under close watch by Vash so I just sat next to him. He had one arm wrapped around my shoulders, an innocent gesture, and I pressed my forehead against my knees. Francis had fallen asleep and was so still that I kept a hand pressed to his chest to make sure he was still alive.

_They'll be away from this place_ I thought over and over to myself, _they'll be happier. Al always said he wanted to leave this place.._

At dinner, I forced myself to eat a little and then excused myself from the table. Francis wasn't present, he was sleeping in Nina's room to recover from a coughing fit. I ran my fingers along the walls as I made my way back to my room, my mind numb and my limbs on autopilot. I climbed onto the top bunk where Iggy and Al would sleep when one of them, or both, would have a nightmare. I spread out on my back and traced a few doodles on the low cieling with my fingertips.

I laughed at some of them. There was on of a cat chasing a mouse with a hammer and another of a cow shooting milk from its utters at a farmer. I imagined them both up here with little stubbs of pencils, snickering to each other at what they drew.

"You alright, birdy?" I flopped onto my side to look over the rail at Gil. I smiled and slowly made my way down off of the three tiered bunk.

"Yea, I'm feeling a lot better now. What did you call me?"

He grinned, "birdy, you remind me of a bird."

"A bird?" I asked, confused, "why?"

He looked out the window, a solem look on his face, "even though your caged up, you still find ways to keep yourself free. Just waiting for someone to open up the hatch and set you back into the world" he breathed, as if he were talking to himself instead of me.

I grabbed his cheeks, cupping them in my hands and pressed our lips together. It was quick, but it was enough for us. He grinned ear to ear and I couldn't help but do the same. We pulled back a respectable distance and I grabbed my sketchbook and pencils so he could watch me draw.

This time, I drew a birdcage with an open door and a single feather lying on the floor a few inches from the base. Gilbert took the page from me and wrote seven simple words that I knew all too well: _I know why the caged bird sings._

I drew a few bubble music notes at the far end of the page to compliment the line and signed my name at the bottom and the date like Francis had taught me to do on all my work. Gil drew a dog in another sketchbook, the body too small for it's head. We both laughed at his proportions, one ear twice the size as the other, the tail longer than it's front leg. I showed him how to sketch a rough diagram out of boxes and circles to get proportions right

He drew the dog over and over using my diagram instructions until he got them close enough to look more like an actual dog than a cartoon.

"I used to have two German Shepards" he told me, trying his best to shade the underbelly, "Sasha and Klaudia were their names. Sasha always used to keep me company whenever my father would lock me in the crawlspace. She'd sneak into it when he started yelling and would lay across my lap nudging my hands with her snout."

He stopped drawing, his pencil paused mid stroke. A worry builded up within me and I craned my neck to see his face. He was smiling. It was a sad sort of smile, but it seemed more that he was lost in a memory than he was about to cry. He sighed and pushed his sketch ontop of the one I was working on. He did rather well, his shading was near perfect and his proportions were only slightly off. The only major thing wrong with it was the left front leg.

"Shes got only one leg, you didn't draw the other one." I pointed out with my pencil.

"Doesn't have one, she lost it as a pup." Now it was my turn to look sad.

"Matvei, a word?" a voice rang out from below the bunk and I streatched out to see Ivan. I nodded dumbly and excused myself, jumping from the top bunk and following Ivan out into the hall and back to his room. I knew better than say no, less he get angry and break my nose like last time.

"I am sorry for your losing your brothers, Matvei. If you need anything, I'll be here." He said simply, propping himself on the far wall and staring strait at me. I shifted nervously from foot to foot, wanting to scream at him to stop looking at me.

"Why?" I croaked, picking at the skin on my wrist absentmindedly.

"You have helped my sisters and I many times from the shadows." I nodded and muttered a thank you before heading out of the Russian's room and next door into my own. I looked down to see that I had dug a pretty deep gash into my wrist and groaned in frustration before heading into the bathroom to run it under some cold water. The water ran pink and clumps of clotting blood plopped onto the drain while I cleaned the wound with antibacterial soap. I opened the small first aid kit under the sink and wrapped a small section of gause on it and pinned it down with a peice of surgical tape. After throwing on a sweatshirt over my T-shirt, I creeped through the halls and around small groups of people till I ended in front of Nina's room.

"Shhh, Francis is still resting" Nina warned before letting me in. I looked over to the curtain where he was supposedly sleeping and creeped behind it. He was facing the curtain, his face strained and his lips pressed in a fine line. I put two fingers against his neck and took comfort in the steady thumps of his pulse against my fingertips.

"He's getting a lot better Mattie. He may not exactly look it, but the doctors said he's improving fairly quickly." Nina spoke in a whisper so she wouldn't wake him and I almost laughed. Francis could sleep through a hurricane. There's really only one way to wake him up, and thats pulling his head to the edge of the bed so it hangs off the side.

Don't ask how we figured that out, it's a long story.

I crawled from the foot of the bed so I was between him and the wall. He turned over, still asleep, and wrapped his arm around my side. His eyes fluttered open, but they were still trapped in his dream for a while before they finally focused on me.

"Hey Mattie, everything alright?" he smiled, moving my hair from my face.

"That's what I should be asking you." I whispered in return. He laughed and truned with a groan, pulling the blankets off and sitting up on the edge of the bed. He pulled back the curtain and Nina gave me an accusing look before heading into the medicine cabnet for Francis' perscriptions. She dished out four pills for him to take and handed me a little baggy with one of the small sleeping pills she keeps stashed for me.

"Take that an hour before lights out, I want to see you well rested tomorrow Matthew." I gave her a curt nodd and followed Francis out of the room. He streached his arms above his head and shook out his bed-head.

"Ahh, I feel so relaxed" he announced, twisting until his spine made a loud _pop_ and then ushering me to follow him down the halls to a row of doors I've never been to. He knocked twice on the one at the far end of the hallway and a firmillar face poked through.

"Francis! Oh- umm, big brother left a few minutes ago but you can come in and wait I guess" the little girl stumbled over her words, carefully pronouncing them around her spainsh accent. We walked in and I she pulled me into a small circle of people in the middle of the room.

"My name's Maria! These two are my little sister Eva and my brother Juan" she spoke excitedly, her green eyes sparkling. I nodded to each one in turn with a smile, wishing they would all stop staring at me.

"My name's Matthew" I said, barely over a whisper.

"Do you speak spanish, Mattie?" Juan asked, picking at a button on his shirt.

"No, not really" I flushed. The door burst open and Antonio strolled in, catching Maria and she hopped onto his hip. She must do that a lot.

"Aye, calm down hermana, I only left a few minutes ago" he c huckled, flopping her down on one of the bunk beds and tickling her. Juan jumped to his sister's rescue and Eva clung to Antonio's pantleg. She couldn't be more than two years old.

"Ah! Francis, you brought your Hermano this time. My name is Antonio" he said with a cheesy grin. I laughed so hard my side hurt, although I don't know why I found it so funny.

"My name is Matthew, your family is quite attached to you it seems" I grinned back and his already dark face turned red. He chuckled and bent down to scoop up Eva and put her down on a smaller bunk that had rails despite it being on the bottom, tucking her under a thin blanket.

It took me a while to realise that the room had gone silent, Maria sitting in between Juan's legs as he braided her hair and Eva sound asleep. It was so quick that for a second I thought I had lost my hearing.

"Big brother takes care of us" Maria spoke in a whisper so she didn't wake Eva, "he always has." I looked over to Antonio, his face was a mixture of sadness and pride at his sister's words. He sat next to Francis. Their hands were intertwined and Francis laid his head against Antonio's shoulder in a sweet sort of way. I almost wanted to say "awwww," but I knew that would only embarras them so I didn't.

"I'm gonna go visit Gil, I kinda ditched him a while ago to talk to Ivan and never came back" I flushed, standing up to walk out. Immediatly a pair of arms wrapped around my leg holding me in place.

"Awww! Don't go Mattie" Maria whinned, looking up at me with big eyes.

"You can come with me if your brother says it's ok" I breathed in return and her eyes widened, lookingat him for aproval.

"As long as you bring her back, I see no problem with it" he said and Maria did a silly little dance around me. I looked over to Juan, but he was fast asleep with his head propped up against the corner of the wall.

Maria tugged on my pants, "Up?" Oh hell, why not? I scooped her up onto my back and held her in place by the back of her legs, carfully making my way through the doorway so I didn't crack her in the head on my way through and headed down the halls.

"Hey Gil, you up? I brought a friend, I hope you don't mind." I called as I nudged the door open with my shoulder. Gil was sitting on the floor with Ludwig, an Ispy book between them. I put Maria down and she immediatly jumped on Ludwig's back with her arms around his neck, pointing at the many shapes on the book.

"So I'm guessing you finally met you brothers boyfriend?" Gil chuckled, patting the floor beside him. I laughed and laid down with a nod.

"I'm just glad you only brought Maria, Juan hates Ludi and Eva always tries to poke my eyes out" he pouted, piching a peice of my hair and smoothing it between his fingers. I giggled and grabbed his hand, snaking my own under the fabric of his sleave and tracing the lines I knew all to well on his forearm.

"So why does Juan hate Ludwig?" I asked, circling some objects in the book with Gil's pencil. He shrugged, "I don't know, but whenever he'd come in here with Maria he'd end up either trying to stab him with a pencil or kick him where it hurst.'' I winced at the thought and pondered this while I circled the last object on the page and flipped to a new one. Gil bent over, his breath against my neck.

"You know, you have the sexiest face when your deep in thought" he breathed, making my face turn six shades of red. He chuckled at my reaction and I kicked to the side, hitting his leg.

"Ow- no fair, I can't hit you back! Well, I could but it wouldn't make a diffrence" he whinned, reaching down to rub his leg dramatically. Maria's giggles bounced off the walls and soon we were all laughing.

I bent over to Gil so I was by his ear this time, "meet me in the guarden tonight."

_**Alrighty then...**_

_**So, Al and Iggy were adopted, but have no fear, they are in good hands :)**_

_**Also, there will be a bit more of Toni and his family and I'm also developing a bit of storyline with a certain pair of twins :3**_

_**Who are they? You shall see!**_

_**So how is it so far? **_

_**Please R&R my lovelys**_

_**~Yulie**_


	8. Bold moves

I love little kids, they're ones to be envied. Imagination is their reality because they don't _understand_ reality.

Gil carried Maria back to Antonio's room for me, saying it was gentlemenly to carry her back since she was asleep and he'd known her longer. Antonio had Gil tuck her in on the middle bunk and Gil sat in the floor playing some kind of hand game with Eva. He wasn't kidding when he said she tries to poke out his eyes. She would tilt her head and pucker her lips like she'd been sucking on a lemon and ask "why red?" before trying to shove her thumb into his eye socket. It was kinda cute.

"It must be kinda annoying for people to ask about your eyes and stuff" I breathed when we were settled in the garden behind a large oak tree.

"Nah, I've gotten used to it. Most adults can put two and two together and figure out why I look like this anyhow, it's the kids that don't usually understand." He pushed his hand over to mine across the ground and threadded our fingers together briefly before pulling back. He picked up my arm gently and pulled the sleave so the gause showed.

"Mattie" he whispered, looking up at me worriedly, "please tell me your not-"

"No" I said a little to quickly, "not- not the way you think. I just...I don't feel it s-so I end up m-m-making wounds" I flushed with embarassment at my stuttering and pressed my face into his shoulder. He sighed and smoothed my hair, wrapping his arms around me and squeesing me tightly to his chest.

"Just- just be careful ok birdy? I-I don't want anything to happen to you." I nodded and laughed without humor. He put two fingers under my chin and lifted it so he could press our lips together.

Soft, so soft.

I tilted my head and ran my fingers to the hem of his shirt and then under the material to feel the lines etched into his back from years of abuse. The raised knots and caved scars that tangle out from the spine snaking up and around before racing down his arms. I've seen them all, even the ones in places they shouldn't be. Even the ones he's done himself.

To have him open up to me, acept me, love me.

I opened my mouth slightly to give him free reign over me. I want to open up to him too, but I just can't. My hands skim the large scar by his hip, the deepest one and he gasps, a low sound emitting from his throat that is alien to me. A sound somewhere between a growl and a moan rising from his chest. My hands find their way back to that spot and he pushes me ever so slightly so I fall back with him over me. He breaks the kiss and reaches behind him, grabbing my hands and pressing them to his chest. Even through the fabric of his shirt, I can feel the rabid thumping of his heartbeat in tune with his labored breathing.

He bends down till he is laying ontop of me with his weight shifted to the side so he won't crush me.

"Not there Mattie" he breathes into my ear, "I don't think either of us is anywhere near ready for that" he laughes, kissing my throat gently. My face flushes as I realise what he's talking about and I mutter an apologie, but it's too late. We lay like that until the light of the streetlamps shut off and gather ourselves up to head back inside. I notice that for once, Gil's stepps aren't as groggy and that he walks on the balls of his feet instead of flat footed. Watching him makes me want to laugh, but I know that if I do we'll get caught.

When I get into my room, there are two boys with two bags stuffing clothes into Al and Iggy's old dressers. Francis, who was talking to one of the boys, catched my eye and mutters an excuse before stepping over and pulling me out of the room.

"Who are they? Why are they in our room?" I exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding. He put a finger to my lips to shush me.

"Those two are twin brothers, Feliciano and Lovino. Lovino is the one with the deeper voice. Mattie, you knew this would happen eventually because we now have room and extra beds. They just got here two hours ago and they don't speak english very well." he spoke calmly and sternly, like a teacher giving out instructions.

I nodded, "So what _do_ they speak?"

"Lovino is fluent in Italian and Spanish, Feliciano is in French, Italian and German. They both know English, but its harder for them. I'm going to help Lovino get settled in because I know Spanish from Antonio, can you help Feliciano?" I nodded again and he sighed, relieved.

"I can also introduce him to Gil and Ludwig, they're German. I just wish I paid more attention to Nina when she was trying to teach me Italian." We both laughed and made our way back in. Francis went back to the brother he was talking to earlier, probably Lovino, and so I made my way over to the other.

"Feliciano?" I asked with a curtious smile. He grinned back and laughed.

"_Ven_iciano actually, it's ok" he laughed.

"Oh, my name is Matthew" I said, extending my hand. He shook it with a bubbly giggle and then scrunched his face in confusion.

"Um, sprechen Sie Deutsch?(do you speak German?)" he asked shyly.

"Nicht gut, mein freund ist Deutsch (not good, my friend is German)"

He looked somewhat sad, "Parlez-vous français, puis (do you speak French, then?)"

I smiled, "oui je le fais" I laughed. He laughed with me and then turned back to his bag of things.

"Good, my English isn't as good as it could be. It's good to have a backup." he pulled out a sketchpad and tossed it onto the bed and pulled out a case about the side of my forearm.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the case.

He paused for a second, "une flûte" he flushed and finished unpacking. He had very little, only a few articles of clothing, a single sketchpad and the flute. I told him about the way the scheduals work around him and told him that Vash would take thier measurements tomorrow and order clothes. He does that for everone here on their second day depending on how much they bring here.

Veniciano tried his best to introduce me to his brother, but Lovino knew little to no english at all and I couldn't comprehend his Spanish or Itaian even if my life depended on it. Francis helped as much as he could, but I had a feeling there would be an aqward silence between me and Lovino (who apparently prefers to be called Romano for some reason) for a while. Once they both were settled, we split them up. At first they were hesitant, but after a while they agreed to part. Francis led Romano towards Antonio's room (which I found out that the whole hall at that part of the house was specifically for those who spoke spanish) and I led Veniciano to Gil's room.

He hid behind me when we walked in, a very shy person indeed and that's saying something comming from me. I explained to him that these were the German brother's I had told him about earlier and his face brightened up instantly. He fell into a long conversation with Ludwig and Gil and I sat on his bed drawing. Veniciano asked me for some paper and a pencil so he could draw too, and we even convinced Ludwig to draw with us.

Now, I've always been able to draw pretty well, but Feli (nickname Ludwig gave to Veniciano because he was frustrated trying to pronounce his name right) is beyond fucking amazing. He started out with boxes and rough sketches of squiggly lines and ended up with a master piece that was Gil and me sitting side by side on the bed drawing. If it wasn't for the fact that the picture was black and white and the pencil marks, I would have bet money that it was a photo. He started on another drawing and we all watched as he turned a circle and a triangle into a beautiful raven perched ontop of a windowsill. He got every detail, even the individual feathers on the birds body and wings.

A-friggen-mazing.

The grandfather clock chimed lights out and I groaned in rage. Why does time always have to ruin everything? Gil tapped my hand twice and I nodded, our little code for weither or not we would meet tonight or if we thought it was too risky. I had to practically drag Feli down the halls to our room, turns out he's afraid of long, narrow hallways, and when we finally made it back, Romano was already asleep. Feli climbed into the bunk above his brother, Al's old bunk, and was asleep in seconds.

"You alright Mattie?" Francis yawned, climbing up into his bunk, "you still have any pills left to sleep?"

"Yea" I fibbed, rustling the empty bag, "good night."

I waited in the darkness for what felt like a year before I slipped out of the room and down the hall to meet Gil by the back door. We sat behind the oak tree again and I let my hands wander his back again, careful this time not to touch the scar on his hip. For once, his hands left my shoulders and he skimmed his fingers along the bare skin poking from under my shirt. I nearly gasped at his sudden boldness, it's unlike him to wander. I wasn't about to complain though.

His hand found it's way under my shirt as I had done to him many times. His fingers skimmed along my spine and tickled my sides. He pressed me against the side of the tree, my mind fuzzy under the feel of his lips on mine and him devouring me with love and want. I felt an odd pressure on my shoulder under his fingers and I pushed against him gently to regain my thought process. I smiled at him and pressed my face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent.

"Holy shit Matt" he whispered suddenly, pulling up at the hem of my shirt. I opened my mouth to protest, but stopped when I noticed the blood on the fabric.

"How bad is it?" I breathed, and he took an uneasy breath.

"Not bad, I'm so sorry Mattie. I didn't know- I didn't realise I was pressing so hard. Shit I'm so sorry." I cupped his face and brushed my lips against his.

"I can't feel it, remember? Don't worry, it'll heal. I'll just throw out the shirt, it's not the first time I've ruined one." He took a deep breath and I pushed his face away from the wound on my back so he wouldn't end up passing out on me.

I bit my lip and reached into my backpack, pulling out a square of gauze and a roll of surgical tape as well as a hankerchief and a first-aid kit sized bottle of rubbing alchohol.

"Damn, got a med team in there to?" Gil chuckled and took the supplies, helping me clean the wound and put the bandage on as much as he could stomach. After it was dealt with, he pulled off his sweatshirt and pulled it over my head, balling up the shirt and shoving it into my pack with the soiled hanky. After that, he was hesitant to touch me again and was very cautious when he did. It felt nice to have him, the feel of his smooth fingers against my skin and his sweet kisses against my lips and collar bone. I pressed my luck, skimming my hand against his hip in hopes to hear that beautiful noise from him again, but he caught my hand with a smirk.

"Not yet birdy. I love you, but not yet." He breathed hotly in my ear. Now would be the worst time to have one of those- uh "visitors"- and it just so happened that luck was not on my side. A faint red pushed its way into both our cheeks and Gil bit his lip, making matters worse in the process for me I might add.

He shifted his weight nervously and an aqward silence streatched between us. Gil looked up at me through his bangs (weird for me because usually he's taller than me) and snapped his head up to kiss me again. His tounge darted between my lips and I gasped as I felt his hand creep up my thigh and-

Oh Gods.

Never in my life have I ever wished to die then right then. I just wanted to die in that moment so my last breath would be that of pure bliss. I had never thought Gil to be so bold. Sure, he acts macho and blunt around lots of people, but with me he's always been hesitant, cautious.

Again, not complaining.

In short, when we got back into the house it was near morning so I was able to take a shower without anyone being suspicious, I had the cheeziest grin plastered to my face, Gil had a bloody lip (I bit him on accident), and I had a bad case of ETLAHB (every time I look at him/her I blush).

And I loved ever second of it.

**Heeeeelllllz yea bitches, finally got back on my computer after it crashing and me having to wipe the thing and redownload all the drivers! XD**

**So yea, I had this chapter already typed up but I lost it so now I made this to replace it using what I could remember from the first time I typed it so it might seem a bit choppy sorry.**

**And we zoom in on Mattie and Gil time and some teenage love/frustrations (we all know how that is unless your one of those under-agers who read M anyways -_-)**

*screams like a maniac and spins around in her chair laughing*

So yea, my computer is being held together by software my bro put on here and it's working *coughbadlycough* but at least its running for now

So how is it my lovelys?

Please R&R, They make my day and I love hearing from everyone! :3

~Yulie


	9. Fights, Friends and Family

Usually, after about three days of sneaking out Gil and I take a break for a few days just in case we get suspicious. So, I woke up in my bed and headed into the shower rooms to wash off the groggy side-effects of my new sleeping pills and headed downstairs to the diningroom for breakfast. Today, there was another visitor coming for adoption so we had to sit at the table according to our room numbers. It was odd to sit next to Feli instead of Francis, but we had to be seated by age as well. I was also sitting next to Ivan, my skin crawling at the violence that seemed to seep from his pores and put me on edge.

The woman introduced herself and announced that she would be looking for a single, small child. I sighed quietly in relief, she won't be splitting me and Francis up then. I stole a glance over to where Antonio was holding Eva in his lap, his face pale but still smiling. I bit my lip in guilt, all of Antonio's sibblings are very young. I didn't dare try to search the table for Gil or Ludwig, I knew they were at the far end where I wouldn't be able to see them without half climbing on the tabletop.

I tapped my fingers on my thigh while I waited for Vash to finish saying grace and ate all the food on one side of my plate before excusing myself from the table "for a stomach ache." On my way towards my room, a boy around Francis's age stepped in front of me, blocking my way.

"You must be Francis' brother, the one everyone's been talking about" he smirked, reaching a hand out and skimming it along my collar bone.

"Yea, so?" I responded calmly, taking a step back so I was out of his reach. I wasn't about to let some stranger touch me so easily like that. The man's face twisted in a scowl and he inched his face closer.

"Bet it sucks being related to a faggot like him" he grinned, laughing. I ground my teeth together and before my brain could register what I was doing, I hit him square in the jaw and slammed his face into the doorway of his room. He recoiled, cracking me in the ribs and pinning me down on the ground, slamming my head into the floor.

Once, twice, three times, four times my head slammed into the ground. I felt no pain, but spots were forming behind my eyes and I heard a loud crack before I felt my jaw loosen. _Shit._ Suddenly, he stopped and I heard a muffled grunt followed by a _thud_.

"Mattie? You alright?" A voice asked, coming in front of me. I caught a glimpse of dark skin and green eyes before I blacked out.

I woke up in my bed with a doctor beside me. He took his time assesing my functionality and taking my vitals before diagnosing a concussion and a sprained jaw. Turns out, Antonio had been watching me durring breakfast and thought I was acting wierd so he handed Eva over to Maria and followed me. The other boy had gotten a mild concussion and a broken arm, and Antonio told Vash that I had acted in self defence. It wasn't true by any means, but I didn't want to show Antonio to be a liar after saving my life and reputation.

Once the doctor was gone, Francis lectured me on fighting and (thankfully) Antonio pulled him away to give me some peace. Gil came in and laid next to me on the bed, telling Vash that Ludwig used to get concussions all the time and he wanted to be by me in case something bad happened. It was smart in a way, Vash never comes in to check up on people if they have someone watching them already. Like I said before, he really doesn't care.

I was beyond embarrased, puking everytime I moved too fast and stumbling over myself like a drunken fool. Gil was patient with me though, turns out what he told Vash was true. He helped me get up, walk across the room and lay me back down, half carrying me most of the time. I had never slept so much in my life, and it was comforting to wake up with Gil laying beside me.

While I was awake, Gil would lay on his side talking to me and sweeping my hair with his fingertips. When I was alseep he and Ludwig taught Feli and Romano card games with Antonio and Francis. A few times I woke up to see Gil sound asleep with Eva curled up asleep in his arms, stringing his hair around her little fingers. It felt like we were all a big happy family, fuck Vash and his rules and ways. Fuck the orphanage, the people, we were all together as a family.

That's what I came to know them as, my family. It didn't matter that we weren't related by blood, we were all family.

It took me two weeks before I was recovered enough to move around on my own and join in on the fun. We celebrated Eva's fouth birthday six weeks before the end of summer and Maria's two weeks after that. I kept to the shaddows durring the days when I was alone, and at night I would meet Gil either in the garden or out past the fence. We tried not to go outside the fence more than one or twice every other week, less someone glance from their windows and see us hopping over.

We still spent our time as we usualy did, sitting and talking or making out. Even after my little incedent, nothing changed. I was grateful for him not treating me any diffrent, but I couldn't help but want to return the favor. I'm just not bold enough to, I get flustered even thinking about it.

Oh well, sad is the life of a rose I assume.

The woman who had come to adopt took home a set of triplets who were only three. Antonio rattled off their names, I guess they were living next door to him, but I didn't know them and it hurt my brain to try and pronounce their names back so I gave up. Francis and I got another room mate, leaving up with only one extra bed left. He's a quiet boy with blond hair and girlish features named Lukas Bondevik. He doesn't show any emotions most of the time, spending his time sitting in the windowsill reading or out in the garden hanging upside-down from the trees doing crunches or pull ups on the branches. He explained to us that he has a neurological disorder where emotions don't register in his brain like their supposed to, so it's rare for him to feel anything at all. Francis tells him about my disorder and he gives a small smile that seems far too practiced to be real.

When we have our usual gathering in our room (Gil, Ludi, Tonio, Maria, Juan, Eva, Feli and Lovino) I introduce Lukas and he trys so hard to smile and act normal that I can't help but feel sorry for him. I remember how people used to look at me and whisper about me behind my back because I would grip things too hard and bleed or when I'd get hurt, I wouldn't know it. People called me a freak and some even purposly hit me or stabbed me with sharp rocks for fun. It came to the point where Vash locked me in my room for an entire summer and spring so I wouldn't get killed by accident. Back then, I always had my group of brothers to help me, but now it's just me and Francis.

No, I take that back. Now I have a bigger family to watch over me, and for me to protect as well.

We all play spoons with elastic bands and after about four games, everyone but me and Ludi are complaining about the bands snapping on their fingers so we swap them for the pencils I have that are too short to use anymore. It's almost like Ludi and I take turns winning with Franny and Lukas following not far behind. Juan gets sent to the top bunk after kicking Ludwig about thirteen times and Gil keeps mumbling about putting steel plates over his eyes so Eva can't get to them. That doesn't last long, Gil ends up curling up on the bottom bunk of one of the beds with Eva snuggled up to him asleep with her fingers curled in his hair. I wonder how Antonio gets her to sleep on her own without fussing like she does around Gil when he wont curl up with her.

I can't help but smile at them, it's so cute. It's like Gil's big brother instincts kick in and he just can't refuse. I wonder if he and Ludwig would curl up together when they were little.

At the end of the day, Gil gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and only one tap on the hand. He helps Antonio get his siblings back to the room and for the first time I see Francis and Antonio kiss. It was only an innocent one, a quick peck on the lips, but it took all the strength and willpower I have not to say, "awww" like a little girl at them and look away.

Lukas takes the bunk above mine and leans over the side watching me draw.

"Don't you ever sleep?" he asked, tilting his head to look at my face. _He's studying my reaction_ I think_ that's probably how he learns._I shrug my shoulders, "I guess so, I'm an insomniac so it happens kinda rarely."

"Can you take medicine for it?" he pokes a sctrach in the rail.

"Sometimes, but I don't like to take it often. It makes me drowsy."

"But that's the point isn't it?"

"Kinda" he goes silent for a while, still picking at the scratch in the rail.

"Do you sleep?" I asked, tilting my sketchpad to shade the underbelly of a cat.

"No, too many things I don't want to dream." I raise my brow at him, wondering what he means. He doesn't offer the information, so I leave it.

"That one guy from earlier, the darker skinned, older one. What was his name again?"

"Antonio" I say without looking up.

"He's with Francis right? Your brother?" I hear a clinck and I look up to see him making notched in the rail with a set of millitary dog tags.

"Yea" I say returning to my work. I hope he's not a homophobe, I feel like he's someone who would understand me, maybe even be a friend.

"I grew up with two dads. I used to call one daddy and the other mommy so I could feel normal. Daddy was in the millitary and Mommy was a cook. It was kinda fun." He paused in his work and looked down at me again.

"Was that guy with the red eyes your boyfriend?" Red creeped up into my ears and made me dizzy. Lukas gave a laugh that almost seemed natural and rolled over.

He stayed quiet for the rest of the night except an occasional question or a "you sitll awake?" Every once in a while I could hear him humm softly to himself and the light chime of the dog tags around his neck. I felt relaxed to know I wasn't the only one in the room up, but it also put me on edge.

It meant I'd have to explain to him about my sneaking out at night every once in a while. I had already explained to him about Vash's veiwpoint on homosexuals and how he treats them. Even now, at dinner he makes sure they are served last and he gives them extra chores to do durring the day so they have almost no time to themselves. Maybe he'd understand because of his dads.

I can only hope.

**This chapter was kinda a brain scratcher for me cause I really didn't know what direction I was wanting to go. I wanted to add someone that Mattie could relate to better and I wanted to kinda pan off to the side and encorperate some of the characters a bit more, so I might be doing a bit more of that for a while and then pan back to Mattie and Gil :/**

**So how'd I do my little birdys?**

**Please R&R (Or PM if ya want)**

**~Yulie**


	10. Keep moving

I used to say I would gladly get rid of my emotions, that way I don't have to deal with them. My emotions, along with my inablility to feel pain, are why I get hurt so often.

I'll never say that again.

Just a few conversations with Lukas, and I couldn't stand the thought of never having emotions. He can't feel love, can't experience the happiness of holding someone's hand or being embraced by someone close to your heart. He can't cry, even when he watched his fathers being buried and was told he was going to be orphaned. He couldn't feel the absence of his fathers hand tucking him in, or the warmth of their voices. They are just a vauge image in his mind of something he can't quite understand.

I watched him cry without sadness, tears streaking his face without expression and falling lightly against his lap without meaning. He told me his story, and wiped his tears like it was nothing.

"It happens" he told me, "like a ghost of emotion that never quite gets to where it needs to be." The doctors couldn't understand it. He'd never had any brain damage, nor any trauma in his life significant enough to cause such a rare disorder. He just one day stopped feeling, small at first but then gradually getting worse untill he couldn't even smile without forcing it. He can't feel warmth or cold unless it's extreme. The doctors tested him for various diseases and possible causes of this strange condition, but found nothing.

"At first they thought I was just secluded within my own conciousness" he said, pulling his legs up to set his chin on the top, "but then they scanned my brain and asked me all sorts of things. They said that over a months time, an entire section of my brain slowly just shut down completely. They said my birth mother had the same condition."

He asked me questions about happiness, love, anger and sadness and I tried hard to explain it without using emotions as answers. I tried relaying the medical definitions to him, and I guess he either got it or just gave up because he stopped asking and climbed back onto his bunk. He hummed and the firmilliar noise of his ags against the wood banister picked up again. He's carving faces I found out, Nina even lets him carve figures and such into large planks of wood with her pocket knife when they go out into the garden.

Nina spends a lot of time around Lukas because of his condition. He's a cutter, says that since pain is all he can feel it let's him pretend. He's also confessed that blood facinates him, and it's his favorite color. I made a mental note to be careful having Lukas around Gil, less he tries to explain his facination to Gil and he ends up passing out on me again.

We're two sides of the same coin, wishing that the flip could change us forever. He uses physical pain to pretend, and I use emotions. I can't help but wonder some of the things he must go through, but I find it easier to remind myself that he wouldn't be bothered by it anyways.

The scars along his arms are words.

Anger, sadness, happiness, warmth, hatred, belonging, worthiness, love.

Each one carved with such percision, that it looks like scrawl on a peach-colored sheet of paper. He asked about my scars, my family, my emotions and what love feels like. The bad thing about Lukas is that he doesn't know how to hold back on certain subjects, he's like a computer searching for data. It doesn't really bother me though, he doesn't like to stare at me while I talk or interrupt to probe for more info. He's just a curious kid like any other, but he's curious about an unknown that will remain just that for the rest of his life.

There's sometimes that I have to remind myself of his condition though. He's studied people so well and sometimes I can almost see an emotion ghost over his features. A smile when Eva tugs on Gil's hair, pressing his knees to his chest almost sadly when he talks about his "mama," I've even heard him laugh, even though it sounds kind of strained. He seems so normal on the outside, but when it's just him and I, I don't have to remind myself anymore.

Gil's seen it too, although he hasn't heard all of Lukas's story like I have. Lately, Gil and I have sort of drifted apart, though not enough to really make a difference. I've been hanging out with Lukas, trying to help him, and Gil's been helping Antonio with his sibblings because Eva got sick. The poor thing lays down for a nap and you can hear her nasal snore from down the hall, she cries herself awake sometimes.

Tonight, though, Gil and I are taking a step back from everything and we're gonna head to the fields.

The fields are the plot of land between the front doors and the fence, although you can hardly call it a field. The whole section is absolutely covered in trees and shrubs, wrapping around the side of the house and stopping just before the back of the house where the garden is.

We chased one another as silently as possible amongst the trees and shrubs, pretending we were running through a vast streach of woods that would bring us to the end of the world, a place where we could be free. It was hours before we collapsed side by side in the soft earth between two bushes housing blueberries. we layed for a while, holding hands and giving little wheese like breaths so we wouldn't burst out in laughter where we could possibly be caught.

"Hey Mattie?" Gil whispered, rolling on his side to prop himself up on his elbow.

"Hmm?" I reached up and brushed the tips of my fingers against his pale skin, my heart fluttering in my fingertips.

"Do you ever wish that you were diffrent? Like that you could feel pain?" He smoothes his fingers up and down my arm, lost in his thoughts.

"Yea, I wish I could be normal. I feel kinda blessed and cursed at the same time, I couldn't have helped a bunch a people if I knew it would have hurt."

"Like what?" he rolled on his stomach, pressing himself against me with his ear to my chest.

"Like the day you fought Ivan. I knew you were pissed, but I ignored it cause I knew it'd be better that you'd hit me instead of him. His sisters depend on him just to wake up and breathe since their parents died. I saved Ivan from this big guy, Mathais, once too. The guy fought him just cause Ivan is kinda built for his age, so I decked the guy in the jaw and he broke my arm. Didn't feel it."

"Damn" Gil breathed, his fingers tracing lines in my shirt like he's trying to draw, "I would have just let the fight go."

"You don't know, no one ever does." I take a deep breath and looke up at the canopy of treetops.

"I didn't know, that his sisters were so dependent I mean. Now that I think about it, I think I heard the little one crying, what's her name?" His voice sounded groggy and I frowned. From this angle, I can see the deep bags that have settled under his eyes and when he moves his arm up, I can see them twitch painfully and a white gause poke from under his sleeve.

"Natalia." I bit my lip, laying my hand ontop of his wrist and feeling the bulge of wrap underneath it, "Gil.."

"No that's my name silly" he laughed, but it seemed more like a choked cry.

"Gil, are you alright? Haven't you been sleeping? Your arm.." I trailed off, the rest catching in my throat and burning my eyes. His body shook, wether from cold or something else I don't know.

"I'm sorry Mattie, I know I promised but-" He took a shakey breath, "I'm sorry. Everytime I close my eyes, I'm back in that house or I'm back in the hospital screaming for Ludi. It hurts, I feel so heavy." It shocks me to see that he isn't crying, but his hands are gripping my shirt so hard that I can hear the fabric streach and begin to tear.

"I feel safe when I'm around you, like everything will eventually fall back together and the peices will fit. I feel like I don't have to hide anymore." I manage to pull his fingers from my shirt and thread our fingers together.

"I love you Mattie, I love you so much." He's crying now, "I'm such a mess, I can't stop. The pain brings me back, tells me I'm alive and I can feel again."

"Gil" my voice cracks and I try again, "Gil, I love you to. I'm worried about you, I want to help you fit the peices back together, but it's gonna take time."

He squeeses my hand tighter and I can hear bones creaking under the pressure, "I know" he's so strong physically. I guess I'll have to be strong for the both of us.

Gil cries silently into my shirt for a little while and eventually works up a smile to give me. He kisses me, his lips are chapped and swollen but I could care less right now. His arms wrap around my neck and mine hug his waist, my pinky hooked in the back belt loop of his jeans. He's so warm, almost feverish against me, and his fingers press against my scalp, sending prickles down my spine.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

When Gil's watch beeps, it takes us a few seconds to pull apart and then we're sticking to the shadows, dodging around trees as we sprint to the back door to make our slip back inside. We sneak one more quick kiss before parting ways down the halls, my steps light. I make a mental note to sneak into his room and find whatever he's cutting with so I can get rid of it as I sneak back into my room. Lukas is up, carving an intricate swirl pattern into an old pencil.

"You with Gil?" he mouths and I raise a brow in return, he points down and I mutter up a system of curses at my -er- visiter. I slip under the covers and Lukas hands me the pencil, the swirls come together into MATT, the nickname he calls me by.

"Now you can draw me something"

Today, chores are simple. Laundry.

All of us are assigned a washing machine and dryer number and told when we are allowed to head to the washroom to get our laundry done. Between me, Francis, Lukas, Feli and Romano, we have 4 hampers full of clothes to wash so we'll be given two washers and two dryers. Our washers are industrial and can hold almost three hampers, but the dryers can only hold about half that the washer can (that is, if you want your clothes dried before christmas next year).

We won't be able to start untill after lunch, so we make sure to gather all our stuff and then sit in a twisted circle on the floor with Antonio and his siblings as well as Gil and Ludi. I sit next to Gil with my back propped against the bed and my sketchbook propped on my knee, a mirrored image of Feli who sits across from me.

I start with a skeletal structure and start smoothing in curves untill I have the basic outline of a person. With a few flicks of the wrist, there's hair on the head and I sketch in clothes, eyes, mouth and nose. Last comes the little silver cross pin and a set of dogtags, Lukas. He's sitting on the windowsill, legs drawn up to rest his chin and a little bird is perched on his shoulder like it's whispering to him. A faint smile played across his lips, and his hollow eyes stare down through the glass.

I hear Gil's breathing beside me as I tear out the image and hand it to Lukas and I lean my head against Gil's shoulder.

"Hey Gil! If ya want yer clothes done theres a washer open!" A guy hollered through our door, making me jump out of my own skin.

"Don't mind him, he's one of our new roommates" Gil laughed, getting up and dusting off his pants, "It seems like theres a new orphan here every day, I wonder why so many."

"They're probably transferrs from another home that was getting too crouded" Lukas said, "That's what happened to me, they wouldn't even let me come here with my brother. He had to stay there." Francis frowned and walked over to him, wrapping him in a hug. I guess he's back in big-brother-mode. Its funny some of the things Francis will do to comfort people, even when he knows he doesn't have to. I can't count how may times he would lay next to me and talk about nothing when I'd come home from one of my hospital trips untill I could fall asleep. That was back when I _could_ fall asleep.

Lukas gave a smile, one that he's been practicing on with my help. It doesn't look so forced, and he says it almost feels natural to him, like he can actually smile. I try my best to give him as much as possible with the help of our family. Eva sure does help, always clinging to his hip so he can teach her to walk. She even takes naps curled up around him whenever Gil is either busy or curled up around me. Vash doesn't even seem to notice us, or maybe he just doesn't care anymore. He's rarely even at the orphanage anymore, leaving almost everything for Lilly and Nina. I'm happy, but I'm also pissed off. Francis and Antonio had to hide and ended up being beaten for loving each other, along with so many others, and suddenly he just doesn't give a fuck? Not that I want him to bust down our door and beat us with our sibblings, I just think it's unfair.

Sad is the life of a rose, I assume.

I've been taking a few lessons from Feli on drawing lately. I'm still not as good as he is, but practice makes perfect. I've even drawn a rose for the first time, although it was horribly done. He scolds me everytime I try to mimic his strokes, telling me I have to find my own style. It's funny trying to picture him actually getting angry, he's always so hyper and nice to everyone.

I kinda miss it. We'll get to that later though.

Life keeps moving on. We creep further towards birthdays, holidays and eventually death. The clock still ticks in the hallways, the chatter and snores still echo off the walls, I still find myself wraped in the arms of the one I love.

Tick tick tick tick tick.

_**OK so I kinda stirred out to no where because Ive been waaaay overthinking this chapter for a few weeks and I want to start on the next one.**_

_**Sorry if it was crapily written, I may go through one of these days and completely rewrite a couple of the chapters. I'm not sure, but I know I'm gonna try and finish the story first.**_

_**So how is it so far?**_

_**Please R&R my lovelys, the feedback makes my day :)**_

_**~Yulie**_


	11. hiding from ourselves

**Don't look at me.**

Crouds have never been a safe place for me.

**Don't look at me.**

Too many faces, to many eyes.

**Don't look at me.**

I can feel them, their stares drilling into the back of my mind. They're digging, watching for the right moment to claw into the deepest parts of my soul, to tear me apart.

_**Don't look at me.**_

I can't move, their bodies moving closer to trap me in their gaze. I can't fight, I can't run.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME" I scream, bolting upright in bed and cracking head on Lukas's bunk above me. Cradling my head in my hands, I shrink farther and farther into the shadows in the corner of my bunk, rocking forward and back in an attempt to slow my heartbeat. When did I fall asleep? When did I get in bed? Did I get another pill from Nina?

"Mattie?" Franny's voice is soft and barely over a whisper, coming from beside my bunk. I resist the urge to look up, to see him looking at me, pitying me.

"Mattie? Are you alright?" His voice is closer now, I can feel his breath on my forehead and I can't stop from shaking.

"Don't look at me...Don't look at me" I mumble over and over, pressing the heels of my palms to my eyes to stop the flow of tears that threaten to bubble over.

"Mattie, I'm not looking at you. Tell me whats wrong" I feel the bed shift and the creak of the wall tells me he sat next to me. His arm cautiously runs over my shoulders and I lean a bit towards him to tell him I'm alright so he can wrap me in a hug.

It took me a few minutes to calm down eough to pull away from the corner, putting my head against Francis's knees and curling in on myself to stop shaking. Franny stroked my hair, looking strait ahead at the bunks across the rooms.

"What was it Mattie? I've never seen you so worked up before" his voice was sad and I could tell he was struggling not to look down at me, his fingers in my hair being to only proof I'm still here. He's been a lot more protective and clingy to me since Al and Iggy were gone, I can tell it's killing him that I'm all he has left. He doesn't really realise that he's all I have left to.

"Just a nightmare" I breathe, my voice surprisingly calm and non-shakey.

"It's more than that Mattie, tell me what happened." I curl in tighter so my knees are pressed against my throat and my heels are flat against my ass, wrapping my arms around my legs to keep them in place.

"I was in a croud of people, I think I was going somewhere with them, but everyone stopped all the sudden and started moving inwards, trapping me so I couldn't move around. They all turned to me, thousands of eyes staring at me all at once, and I could hear them whispering" I take as deep a breath as I can and hold it for a second.

"Whispering? What were they saying?" His hand stops just above my ear for a split second, leaving behind a ringing.

"I don't know, thats what scares me." His hand comes down and presses against my forehead, a habit he's done my whole life when I get overly stressed. Al used to say it was because of Iggy getting sick all the time, that he'd spike a fever if he got to riled up. My heart breaks for my brother, having to raise us when he himself was so young, only to have two of us torn away from him and another slipping slowly into insanity (namely myself). He found the wounds on my arms and nearly broke down, thinking I was hurting myself. If it wasn't for Antonio, I don't think I would have ever gotten him to calm down and listen to me.

Those two are made for each other.

/line break/

Francis stayed up with me the entire night, never speaking a word or looking down at me until the sun came up. It was comforting to have him there, leaning against him to watch him draw in my sketchbook under a small booklight. I haven't seen him draw in almost two years, and his hands working against the page reminded me of the old movies Lilly would put on in the watchroom. The movies where people would set up large ballrooms so people in fancy silks and cotton suits could come and dance to simple music. Everyone moving to the same beat, the same motion swirling across the dancefloor, that's what his hands were doing. They were dancing. By the time the sun had illuminated the room so the booklight was no longer needed, Franny had created a beautiful scene of a woman cradling a baby in the middle of a large garden of roses, a tall fountain spraying water behind her in the shape of two turtles streaching up towards the sky. Everything blended so well, almost like a black and white painting, and when he was done he handed me the picture and leaned his cheek against the top of my head while I studied it.

"She's beautiful" I whispered, lightly moving my hand along the diffrent parts of the picture, careful not to let my fingers smudge anything.

"Thats what father used to say all the time" he chuckled, "Mom would go outside with Al while Iggy was resting and father would stand by the back doors watching for a few minutes. I would come up and tug on his pant leg and he would look down at me and say 'she's beautiful' just like that. Of course, at that time I thought that was silly." We both laughed.

"What was mom like?" I whispered, laying the sketch down ontop of both our knees.

"She was a lot like you, never liked to go anywhere and got real skiddish when people would look at her for too long. She had quite a rebellious side though, sometimes she'd wait till father got home from work and then pelt him with water balloons" he let out a hearty laugh, "I really wish you could have met her Mattie, I can imagine the kind of trouble you guys would have gotten into."

"What about dad?" I asked, smiling down at mother's face and imaging pelting Franny with water balloons. Francis was quiet for a while, his brows furrowed like he was contimplating his answer.

"Father worked a lot, and when he was home he and mom wouldn't get along very well sometimes. He was a very humble man though, never asked for any more than what he absolutely needed, and even then he would only ask for a little. He tried to be a dad to all of us, I really think he did, but he made...To many bad choices." I opened my mouth to ask him how, but the look on his face made me second guess it.

"You guys really are close aren't you?" Lukas asked, hanging upsidedown to look at us, his hair flopping like a curtain. Oh yea, he has insomnia to...Just how much did he hear?

"Yea, I guess you could say that" I smiled straitening up and scooting to hop down from my bunk, streaching out my now-numb legs. He twisted so he was looking at me still, dropping down so he hung by his knees, and my skin began to crawl uncomfortably.

"So how come your so afraid of people staring Matt?" I strained not to hit him square in the jaw.

"Aww come on Lukas, leave birdy alone" Gil's voice startled me and I spun around to meet his sleepy gaze, one hand rubbing his eye groggily. He smiled at me and streached with a yawn, his T-shirt riding up above his belly button. Before he drops his arms, I tackle him in a bear hug, nearly knocking us both over in a fit of laughter.

"Awww you guys are so cute~" Feli squeels from his bunk, leaning his chin on his hands and kicking his feet idly in the air. Romano mutters something from beside him and Francis laughs, Feli looking at him like he'd kicked a puppy.

"Just ignore them birdy" Gil whispered in my ear, squeesing me tighter against him, "how'd you sleep? Or rather, did you sleep?"

I laughed without humor, "Yea, I slept for a little while. I ended up waking up after a while though."

"Why?" He pressed his forhead against mine and I resist the urge to kiss him.

"No reason, I just woke up" I fibbed, forcing my expression to stay calm, "How'd you sleep?"

"Like a freaking baby, I don't think I've ever had a good night sleep like that. I feel so relaxed." I giggled despite myself and we both sat on the floor, me in between his legs with my back against his chest.

"Que faisons que nous avons planifié pour aujourd'hui? (What do we have planned for today?)" Feli yawned, turning over so he was hanging like Lukas.

"Rien d'aujourd'hui, que c'est samedi (Nothing today, it's Saturday)" Me and Franny said almost in unison, making us both burst into a fit of laughter.

"Yep, definatly close" Lukas mumbled, giving a natural-yet-not smile. I sigh and slump back against Gil, runing my fingers through his and trying to ignore the all-too-firmilliar lump under he sleave of gauze. I let my mind wander to what Francis said about our parents, something just doesn't sit right with the way he talked about them, almost as if he's trying to hide something.

"Yo! Earth to Mattie!" I look up, snapped from my thoughts, to see Antonio curled up with Franny by the windowsill, Eva twisting her fingers around her shirt as Francis braids her hair to one side.

"Sorry, I kinda zoned out. What did you say?" _And how long was I in my own little world?_

"That's what I was saying, I was wondering if you were alright. You seemed kinda blank for a while, I thought you'd had some sort of stroke or something" he chuckled.

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'm just out of it today is all, I think I'm gonna go outside for some fresh air" I stood as I spoke, Gil following close behind as I walked out of the room and out the back door. I didn't stop at the garden, nor the trees, nor the fence. I hopped over and kept walking untill we were in the middle of the forest, sitting ontop of the cliff side overlooking the valley.

"Mattie? Are you alright, your acting strange and-" I climbed over to him, pressing out lips together and wrapping my arms around his neck. His whole body went stiff against me for a few seconds before he responded, tightening his arms around my waist to pull me closer. I wanted to drown in him, to forget everything, but he pulled back.

"Birdy, talk to me. You've always been here for me, now it's my turn to be here for you." He pressed our forheads together, his breath tickling my face.

"Kiss me" I breathed, "One more time. Please." I was practically begging, I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes, threatening to spill over, but I don't know why. All of my emotions seemed to be battling for dominance over each other, making it harder to breathe.

Gil did as I asked, capturing my lips again. I opened my mouth to him, _drown in him..Drown in him.._ When he pulled back again, my head was clearer and the throbbing in my head became a dull ringing in my ears.

"Gill" I whispered, "I think I'm loosing it."

His body stiffened again, "What do you mean?"

"I can't figure anything out anymore. Al and Iggy used to tell me about our parents all the time and so did Francis, but I could tell they were hiding something from me. I hate it, them always sheltering me like some china doll that might break if you so much as look at it wrong. My whole life has been this way, people constantly pushing me aside and locking me up to shelter me from everything. Everyone's always _staring at me_ like their staring into me soul for a way to keep me in one peice when they don't realise their tearing me apart. I hate being in the shadows all the time, I hate being treated like some special kid who needs someone to wipe their ass for them. _**I hate it!**_" I practically screamed, clutching his shirt like he'd run away at any second. Like he'd run away and find someone else to help me, like he'd pity me.

"Mattie" he whispered, "Matt, your not alone. I know how it is to be treated like a glass doll, when me and Ludi were taken from our dad everyone acted that way towards us. Your strong, Mattie, stronger than most people give you credit for. Maybe you should talk to Franny about this, of course I don't kow if yelling will help of not" he chuckled, making me do the same, "but maybe if you tell him how much you want to know all the gorey details, he'll see just how much he's been babying you and keeping from you and he'll give in. Just, promise me something?"

I nodded, looking up at him again, drinking in the sight of him. Pale skin, red eyes, cotton white hair.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to" he presses me into another warm hug, his breath warm and tickling against my neck and ear.

"I promise"

/line break/

Dinner was silent and stressful, although I couldn't quite pinpoint why. Everyone seemed so ridgid, so afraid.

"What's going on?" I whispered to Lukas, stone faced and trying not to make it obvious.

"You mean you don't know? I'm sure Gilbert would of told you of all people.." he mumbled, taking in a large spoonful of gruel.

"What do you mean? What happened?" I had to force my voice to stay low, my heart making uneven thuds in my chest. What would Gilbert be hiding from me?

"I'm surprised you didn't already notice it-" another spoonful, "Nina called a doctor in earlier to look at him along with all the other ones, but when the doctor tried to pull away his bandages, he punched him square in the jaw and knocked him out. Everyone's afraid of him." He just gave a little shrug and kept eating, mumbling something along the lines of "must be nice.."

Why would Gilbert do such a thing? He's never been so openly violent, at least not that I've seen. Something must have triggered it, maybe the doctor accidentally did something wrong...

I couldn't help but let my gaze wander to Gil's seat, but when our eyes met he turned away, whispering something to Ludwig and then excusing himself from the table. My heart broke in half and followed him, why is he being so secretive towards me? He seemed fine earlier, but then again Gill has a way of acting the opposite of what he's feeling.

I excused myself from the table as well, heading directly to Gil's room. He wasn't there, so I checked my room, the main bathroom, the library and finally the garden. Nothing. I nearly gave up, slaming my fist into the wall, probably hard enough to sprain it. I ended up going back to the main bath and standing under one of the shower heads, letting cold water hit me. I didn't even bother to undress, my body feeling uncomfortably warm, almost feverish. I doubt he would have hopped the fence so early in the day, he's not stupid. Where could he have gone?

I curled in on myself, curling even my toes to try and fold into a smaller and smaller being. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could become so small that no one would notice me anymore, no one could see me and I could just wait for someone to step on me. The cold water didn't help, and a fierce itching invaded my body. I scratched and scratched,digging into my arms and pulling off my shirt to get at my chest and neck.

I hate my emotions, they always seem to bring everything way out of proportion. Maybe I'm just obsessed with Gil, he's the only one whos ever came close to making me comfortable in my own skin. When I'm around him, I feel like I can actually _feel._ Maybe he was keeping it from him about his outburst so I wouldn't be afraid of him, or maybe he just didn't want me to know, period. It makes me wonder, though, just how much he _doesn't _ tell me and _why._

I've always told him I'd be there for him, and he's opened up quite a bit, so why is he pulling away so much now?

Then it hit me, the one place I didn't check. I ran out of the bathroom and back into my room, slipping on a fresh pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, tossing the wet clothing in my hamper. I had dug wounds into my chest and arms, some bleeding and others just raised and angry looking. I had to take a few deep breaths so i wouldn't bang my head into the wall. I really need to stop doing things like that.

I treaded barefooted into the branch of halls that led to supply closets and finally stopped in front of the basement door. Sure enough, the lock was already popped, the door barely closed so that you couldn't see the lights on below. I was cautious on the stairs as to not get splinters and I barely heared the murmer "who's there?"

Gotcha.

When I got the the bottom of the stairs, I saw a crack in one of the large metal doors.

"Gil? It's me" I whispered, cautiously reaching out to open the door a bit more. He hates small, dark places, he told me so. Why would he put himself in one then?

_I would hide in there when my dad would get really bad._

He feels safe.

I cracked the door open just enough to slip in and then closed it again, never looking at Gil until I was in. It was pitch black, but I could just make out his form hunched over across from me.

"Gil, why didn't you tell me?" I whispered and he gave a small whimper like a kicked dog.

"I didn't want you afriad of me, I'm turning into my father."

"You are _not_ your father, Gil. I'm not afraid of you, I've never have been." I wanted to reach out to him, but even in the dark I could tell he was a complete mess.

"You don't understan what it's like, Mattie. The other night, I woke up in the middle of our room-" he choked, "I had my hands wrapped around one of our room mate's throat. I punched that doctor, but I had no idea that I had done it untill later. I black out, I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Gilbert" I said and he visibly flinched, "you really are an idiot." I crawled over and without hesitation wrapped my arms around him.

"You sit there and listen to my problems, you smile everytime Ludwig or I are near, you hide everything inside yourself in hopes that we won't hate or fear you. You never let yourslef cry, and you hate yourself for every mistake you make." I bit down to keep my voice from shaking, "You hurt yourself in a desperation to find some relief, you idiot. I told you I would be here for you and I meant it. No, I don't know what it's like. I've never delt with abuse from parents, but I know what it's like to wish you could dissapear so everyone around you could live easier, but it's never that easy. Do you think Ludi would want to live if you didn't? He tries to be strong for you too, Gil, so you don't have to all the time. If it wasn't for Francis, I probably wouldn't have survived much of my childhood and if he wanted to die-" I took a breath and sqeesed tighter, " you don't have to hold the world alone, Gil, let me help you."

I was begging, grasping at the air for every and any words that would keep him with me. His whole body was shaking and it took me a moment to realise he was laughing. A soft, sad chuckle that slowly built up into a half-sob, half-histerical giggle.

He lifterd his head and his hands came forward, grabbing my cheek bones and cradling my head.

"You know Mattie" he mumbled, "sometimes, I just don't understand you. One moment, you barely have the courage to tell someone your name, then the next your giving a speech about life. Sometimes I can't help but have to reach for you to make sure your really there." he pressed his forhead aginst mine, he was sweaty and his skin was cold like ice.

"I love you Matthew, it took me a while, but I finally realised it. Not a crus, not a lust, I_** love **_you." Before I could respond, his lips were on mine, his arms snaking from beneath me to around me, pressing me closer to him. His tounge slipped inside my mouth and I found my self utterly intoxicated by him.

Funny how things happen, my day starts out shitty, I end up ranting for an hour to him, then I end up yelling at him about wanting to dissapear (like I have any room to talk).

I guess thats just how teenage love ends up, two people who are still figuring out what their lives really mean, holding onto each other in a desperate attempt to find some sort of sanity.

And I love him.

I love him.

And he loves _me._

/line break/

**Ok, so sorry this was kind abrupt, and that everything kinda escalated quickly. Basically, I was trying to go for typical one ties to be strong for everyone he loves but is slowly falling apart. I wanted to show the sorta kicked-puppy side of Gil and show that he isn't how he seems. **

**Basically because I got some shiz coming up woot!**

**Oh! And I'm probably going to post an alternate version of this story as well, telling it from Gilbert's point of view, if anyone's interested. It will have a lot of background and other stuff not seen so much in this version ^^**

**Alright, enough of my rambling, I need to get some sleep (I hate insomnia, but it's where my stories come from so it's not all bad XD)**

**Please R&R my lovely birdies! Feedback is my life and my motivation to keep posting!**

**~Yulie**


	12. Hey Ivan! Come play!

What would you do if time stoppped and left you hanging onto a memory? Like if you were walking your dog one day and suddenly everything just _stopped_, leaving you to search your mind alone in an attempt to rationalize what's going on. What would your memory be? Who would you search for first to see if they were frozen like everyone else or free like yourself? How long until you would turn on yourself, clawing at your conciousness to try and keep yourself sane?

Sometimes, I imagine that the whole world is ignorant of my existance, like I can be anywhere I want to be and no one would be the wiser. Most people would go crazy, screaming at the top of their lungs for someone, anyone, to look at them or hear their voice. My whole life has been the oposite, screaming at the top of my lungs for people to _stop _looking at me.

It's funny how that works. The people who are usually ignored are the ones who want to be seen, and the ones who are always seen are the ones who want to be ignored. Maybe we're all just damned to stare at the green from behind glass doors, nearly being able to grasp our twisted version of "perfection" but never coming close at the same time.

I've always had the curse to be able to see all the shit that fertilizes the green. People see Gilbert, stong and confident in everything he does, but I see the bruises and torture scratching at his soul every time he breathes. People see Ludwig, smart and attentive, but I spot the dark circles under his eyes and the way his left arm always seems limp at his side. People see Feliciano, artistic and kind, but I hear his whimpers durring the thunderstorms and see the way he clings to his brother when he gets a fever.

I wonder, what do people see when they look at me? Does anyone see who I am underneath all this skin?

Does anyone see me?

I wake up in Francis' bunk, the sun casting a glare on the window to point a ray directly on my eyeball. Shaking the cobwebs from my brain, I see Francis is sleeping in my bunk. Odd.

Feliciano and Romano are nowhere to be seen and Lukas is sitting in the windowsill with a book propped on his knees. I streach out and twist so my bones creak and pop and Lukas looks over to me briefly before going back to his book.

"That spanish dude, Tonio, was looking for you this morning to see if you were up. He said for me to tell you to meet him in his room when you got up." Lukas mumbled, never looking up from his book. I blinked a few times, trying to think about what he just said. Why would Antonio want to talk to me?

Slipping from the bed, I padded down the halls barefooted, dodging a few lingering people that were waiting for their round in the showers, and finaly made it to Antonio's room. I knocked twice and the door cracked open just a bit to show Juan, Eva hanging onto his hip.

"Hey Matt" he sgrumbled, opening the door wider so I could step in. Antonio was sitting up on the top bunk, Maria between his legs braiding her hair.

"Oi! Mattie, your awake." He smiled, tying Maria's braid off with some elastic.

"Yea, Luke said you needed something?" I scratched my stomach idly, trying to supress a yawn. I think sleeping lately has just succeded to make me _more _tired.

"Well, I didn't really _need_ anything" he scratched the back of his head as if embarrassed, " I was just wondering how you were doing. I don't really get to have much time to get to know you or ask you whats up."

I cracked a smile and sighed. Antonio has a way of doing that, making me smile, maybe it's his cheesy grin.

"Don't worry about it, you've got a lot on your plate I understand. I've been pretty occupied myself, maybe we could hang out later?" There goes his grin again.

"Sure!"

I excused myself from the room, which was easy enough after Eva started whining about being tired, and started walking towards Gil's room. With any luck at this hour he'd at least be half awake by now.

Knocking twice before stepping in, I saw Ludwig hanging upsidedown from the top bunk and Gil at the other end of the room sitting cross legged on the floor.

"Hey Mattie" his voice cracked and he smiled, patting the floor next to him.

"Still sick I see?" he nodded, curling in on himself more and tucking his hands into the sleaves of his sweatshirt, shivering.

"This is so unawesome, I hate being sick" he coughed and then shivered again. My heart broke to see him like this.

"I don't know anyone who has ever told me they _like_ to be sick" I rolled my eyes, " Expecially with a stomach virus and a bad cough all at once."

"I've never asked" he laughed, " Get over here and keep me warm, I'm fr-freezing" he whined and I complied. I've never had much of a problem with being sick, and most people tell me I'm like a human furnace. My body temperature _is_ higher than normal, but not high enough to make _that_ much of a diffrence.

Not that I'm complaining about Gil's want to snuggle...

The main complaint I have abut when he's sick is that he wont let me kiss him, telling me it's gross and that he'll just end up getting us both sick.

"Ludwig if you keep hanging for much longer, you'll get another nose bleed and I really don't feel like fainting right now" he groaned out at his brother before launching himself into another short coughing fit. He shivered, tucking himself in my lap and rubbing his temples. I pressed his back to my chest and wrapped myself around him like a quilt. His skin was cold to the touch aond his neck, even with the heat of the sweatshirt.

"Maybe you should see a doctor Gil, tis can't be normal-

"No" he cut me off sharply, "No doctors. I'll be fine, my body temperature drops like this every time I get sick." I strarted to protest but thought better of it so I just dropped the subject. If he were lying. Ludi would have called him out on it.

"Ve~ Can I come in?" I heard Feliciano call from bhind the door and Gil tensed like he was trying not to laugh.

"Ja, come on in!" He hollered and just as the door opened, Ludi was down from the bunk, leading him back out of the room.

"What the hell was that all about?" I said, blinking in confusion.

"Ludi's been hanging out with those two a lot lately. He won't admit it to me but I think he has a crush on Veniciano." He chuckled and leaned back against me a bit more, laying his head in the crook of my shoulder.

"I never would have guessed that he-"

"That he'd go after a man?" Gil sighed,"Yea me either, but I guess it's kinda both worlds in one. Feli is so girly, maybe it just fucked him up" he laughed.

We sat in silence for a while, just curled up together and enjoying each others company before I just had to ask, "Hey Gil, can I ask you something seriously?"

"Well, that depends birdy. What about?" he took a deep breath that whistled through his nose and coughed it's way out.

"It's about Francis...And I guess it's about Antonio too."

"Well, if your asking me if they should be together then I'm going to bite you." He said simply and I couldn't help but laugh.

"No, It's just...something seems off with them and I can't pinpoint it."

He was silent of a minute, "Hey Birdy, remember that little chat about we had about not asking questions you don't want the answer to?" I tensed and he let out a sigh that seemed so depressing that it chilled my bones.

"Fran's been getting kinda depressed lately and Antonio feels shitty cause he can't do much to help, what with all those kids to take care of. He's worried and they had a little fight 'cause Fran wouldn't tell him what's wrong. All is well though, they've done enough kissing and making up for the fight, but he's still off is all. " He twisted so he was sideways, tucking his head farther into the crook of my shoulder, kissing the sensitive skin of my neck.

"And you know what's got him upset, don't you?" I mumbled and he sighed again, his breath sending tingles through my body and making it hard to think.

"Yea, but it's not my place to tell anyone" He whispered, his voice heavy with sleep and sure enough in only seconds I could hear his soft, nasaly snores. I focused on his breathing and the feel of him all around me so my mind wouldn't wander. If Francis was having troubles that he wanted to keep to himself, then I'll leave him be.

For now.

I was only able to let Gil be for a few minutes before my legs started to numb and my arms started to twitch. I lay him in his bed and give him a peck on the cheek before snaking my way out of the room. I skipped past my room and knocked on Ivan's door, although I can't exactly say why. It's like one of those moments when you do something without realising it and then you stand there feeling like a fool because you realise there was no rhyme or reason to it.

Although, now that I'm here, there is one thing I'd like to talk to him about.

"Matvey? Do you need something?" Ivan asked, raising a brow and leaning against the doorframe like a hitman waiting for hire.

"Yea" I flinched, biting my tounge, "I mean, sorta. Can I come in?"

"Of course" He opened the door wider to let me in aand I saw that the room was empty. Everything was neat and organised to the T (Author:I never understood that saying, silly Americans). Not a spot of dust or dirt was to be seen and even the laundry in the hampers were folded. I had heard rumors about how OCD Ivan is, but _damn._ Maybe I should let him loose in our room so Feli and Romano's side of the room can _finally_ be clean.

"Make yourself comfortable, what can I do for you?" Ivan spoke, flopping down of the bottom bunk with his arms folded under his head and his feet crossed. It was so unusual to see him so...so _calm_.

As if hearing my thoughts he smiled at me and said, "Whenever my sisters are not around, I find life to be...alot less stressful." His accent tickled my ears*, soft I's becoming E's and just the slightest roll of his tounge on the S's.

"I want to be blunt, so please hear me out" my voice nearly cracked and I almost groaned, come on Mattie, you can do this.

"I want you to hang out with the rest of us, you can bring your sisters if you'd like, thats up to you though."

He squinted up at the bunk above him, "Hang...out?"

"Yea, like come over and play cards with us or something."

He gave a small chuckle, "This seems...random. What's the catch Matt?"

"No catch, but after the fight with you and Gilbert, plus the fact you and your sisters rarely spend time with anyone here-"

"By choice." He cut me off,his squint turning into glare. If looks could kill, that bed would have burst into flames by now.

"Try to at least think about it, please? I've come to know you three since you came here and I'd really like to show you what having friends can do for you-"

"I will think about it, now get out." I didn't even hesitate to obey. Ivan has always kept his word, and I know how much he likes his solitude. Maybe we all could break that wall, like we did for Ludwig.

Add to the family, one person at a time.

**Ok, so I'm going to stop there for now, but don't worry, I will have another update soon! (Probably either Wednesday or Thursday)**

**Sorry it's been so long since my last update, but as some of you probably already know I have been in and out of the hospital for a while so I'vegotten pretty far behind. **

**Also, sorry for all the spelling and grammer mistakes on here, my new keyboard busted so I had to use my old spazzy one and if I took the time to go back it would be another month till this would be published. I will probably go back and edit this once I'm caught up on some of my other stories.**

***We had a woman move in two appartments from me that spoke mostly English and when I would talk to her she would say that my accent tickles her ears :3**

**I think that's all I wanted to say, please please please if you have any questions or anything do ask.**

**And also, please review. I've been getting a lot of favorites and follows( which I love! Thanks so much!) but I hardly get any feedback. If you could just drop a simple one, I would apreciate it, I would love to hear what's on your mind! (Also PMing me if you want to chat or tell me something is fine with me as well!)**

**Thank you my lovelies!**

**~Yulie **


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